Yorkshire Mac User Group Newsletter — 2015/12/12

YMUG Newsletter –  2015/12/12 Got your Christmas shopping done yet?

Acting Secretaries:

Tony Crockford: support@ymug.org

Chris Brady: ymug@csjbrady.org.uk

with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.  Thanks also to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest.

Items for the newsletter, reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your cold, rarely sandal-clad, sans shorts, news-hound: news@ymug.org

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If you have any difficulty, please contact Tony Crockford unless it’s something personal or medical – support@ymug.org


Ian Pitfield (ipitfield@outlook.com) sent in the following, get a hold of him if you’re interested:

My daughter has an iPad 2 16Gb Wi-fi and 3G she would like to sell. She also has a Logitech Ultrathin Keyboard cover which works with either iPad 2, 3 or 4th generation. It’s all boxed, both keyboard and original iPad box


Mac OS X 10.11 got an update this week — bug fixes, that sort of thing. Still, good to stay up-to-date if you’re cruisin’ with El Capitan-o. Oh dear, I deleted all the article links before picking and pasting one here. Sigh. I tell you what, if you really want to find out what the changes were look it up and I’ll try not to be so dumb next time. Deal?

Those crazy guys at Apple have also updated iTunes AGAIN but, fortunately for them, it doesn’t look any different (they know not to make me angry). And it sounds like they’ve improved searching for classical music which makes me happy.


If you sometimes think it would be nice if Apple didn’t worry so much about new features but just spent more time getting their existing apps to work right you’re not alone. I do think that most of the minor updates are trying to do that.


How to speed up your Mac: Get rid of unnecessary files, check. Check startup items, check. Do a System Management Controller reset . . . A what? Okay, how do you do that?

Top Tips to Speed up a Slow Mac

As a general rule I dislike ‘alerts’ on my Mac. It’s like multi-tasking and I’m a male so, you know, that’s a yuck. Nice to know there’s an easy way to turn ‘em all off if I want to.


I don’t have one of Apple’s Magic Mouses . . . Mice? Whatever. But looking at the ways you can customise them I’m tempted to put one on my Christmas wish list.


My kind of tip: how to work with file pathnames in Finder. The rest of you are free to ignore this.


I like Dropbox (although it can take some time to get used to publicly sharing stuff) so I thought when they brought out an email app (Mailbox) that I’d like it too. It is fine but Dropbox has decided to kill it off along with Carousel so they can spend more time with their families. Just kidding. They’re going to spend more time trying to get money out of businesses.


If you need some invoicing/billing software here’s some suggestions.



Lots of OS updates this week:

iOS 9.2: http://www.macrumors.com/2015/12/08/apple-releases-ios-9-2/

tvOS 9.1: http://www.macrumors.com/2015/12/08/apple-releases-tv-os-9-1/

watchOS 2.1: http://osxdaily.com/2015/12/08/watchos-2-1-tvos-9-1-updates-for-apple-watch-apple-tv/

The iOS 9.2 update might help your performance, here’s a discussion about that including some tips for updating including a forced hard reboot. We don’t reboot our smart phones often enough, they are computers after all. In fact, reboot all your devices today, you know you should.


Apple has created its own external battery iPhone case. It costs $99 and has so far only been released for the iPhone 6 and 6s. Oh and most people think it’s ugly.


Did you know you no longer have to turn off Bluetooth to disconnect from a device? Some nights my family has a music night where we all use the same Bluetooth speaker and being able to swap connects quickly is a real plus.


Apple might sell 21 million Watches in their first year of availability. That’s over 8 BILLION dollars of revenue. If we all just got a cheap watch from the local petrol station and gave the extra to the NHS . . .


The research boffins at Apple have come up with ‘self-healing’ connection ports to help make your iDevices more water resistant.


AVG has compiled a list of which apps use up the most battery power, storage space and data volume. Guess what? One of the top battery suckers is Facebook. What a surprise.



Now just a minute . . . Let me get this straight . . . Starting next year the US Postal Service will email you pictures of your post so if it’s boring you don’t have to walk to your mailbox? Really? I do know some farmers have mailboxes quite a ways from their house but who wants to pay for this?


Like it or not, firms are competing to cut down on delivery times. Postmates will be offering one-hour deliveries in London next year. It’s like my son’s generation has already taken over: I WANT IT NOW!!


Note to self: if someone knocks on the door claiming that Find My iPhone says their phone is in my house . . . Slam the door quickly.


I’m not sure I really want to know that some company is working on a penis pedometer. My dad says new is the enemy of good and sometimes he is very right. Just because you CAN make something doesn’t mean you should.


Meanwhile, kink.com is experimenting with virtual reality.


If you need some ‘medical’ marijuana and you live in California . . . Wait for it . . . There’s an app for that now.


Volkswagen now says it didn’t cheat as much on emissions tests as originally feared. But you guys did cheat. Just saying.


Gift ideas:

This one is serious, a Lightning port SD card reader cable: http://www.macrumors.com/2015/12/08/apple-lightning-to-sd-adapter-usb-3-ipad-pro/

Light Sabre cutlery: http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2015/12/06/star-wars-lightsaber-flatware-set/

Darth Vader oven gloves: http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2015/12/09/star-wars-darth-vader-silicone-oven-glove-twin-pack/

A glow-in-the-dar Death Star t-shirt: http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2015/12/11/want-death-star-schematics-glow-dark-t-shirt-animated-gif/
(Just wondering . . . Do they make glow-in-the-light stuff?)

A TARDIS dress: http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2015/12/08/this-doctor-who-clothing-line-from-hot-topic-looks-incredible-video-pics/

December 7th is the 346th day of the year and is the Day of Neutrality in Turkmenistan.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to: Erasmus Darwin (b 1731, d 1802), J Bruce Ismay (b 1862, d 1937), Edvard Munch (b 1863, d 1944), Edward G Robinson (b 1893, d 1973), Patrick O’Brian (b 1914, d 2000), Frank Sinatra (b 1915, d 1998), Ed Koch (b 1924, d 2013), Lionel Blair (b 1931), Connie Francis (b 1938), Dionne Warwick (b 1940), Bill Nighy (b 1949), Sheila E (b 1957), Tracy Austin (b 1962), Reeta Chakrabarti (b 1964), Jennifer Connelly (b 1970), Dean Macey (b 1977).

Rest in peace these folks who died on December 12th: Robert Browning (b 1812, d 1889), Douglas Fairbanks (b 1883, d 1939), Tallulah Bankhead (b 1902, d 1968), Jack Cassidy, a lovely man (b 1927, d 1976), Anne Baxter (b 1923, d 1985), Joseph Heller (b 1923, d 1999), Ike Turner (b 1931, d 2007), Van Johnson (b 1916, d 2008),

Some notable events that took place on December 12th: Marconi receives the first trans-Atlantic radio signal (1901), George V is enthroned as Emperor of India (1911), Hitler declares the imminent extermination of the Jews (1941), beginning of the IRA’s Border Campaign (1956), the Clapham Junction rail crash (1988), the Russian Federation gains independence from the USSR (1991).


“This is the kind of thing people say when they have no experience and no idea what they’re talking about.”
— Chris Christie, on Trump plan to ban all travel and immigration to the U.S. by Muslims

“Downright dangerous with his bombastic rhetoric.”
— Lindsey Graham

— Jeb Bush

“Running for President as a fascist demagogue.”
— Martin O’Malley

“Finally: Someone speaks sense…Heil Donald Trump — the ultimate saviour. Make America white again!”
— Andrew Anglin, publisher of Daily Stormer, a neo-Nazi website

“He is a race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot. He doesn’t represent my party. He does not represent the values that the men and women in uniform are fighting for… He is putting our soldiers and diplomats at risk. He is empowering the enemy…Tell Donald Trump to go to hell.”
— Sen. Lindsey Graham

“Like a Pokemon, Donald Trump has evolved into an even more gruesome form of himself.”
— Trevor Noah

“I’m doing good for the Muslims. Many Muslim friends of mine are in agreement with me. They say, ‘Donald, you brought something up to the fore that is so brilliant and so fantastic.’… The group that is not criticising me is the public. The public agrees with what I say.”
— Donald Trump

Darene Springs Weston, 43, went to Rock Hill (S.C.) Municipal Court, allegedly identified herself as her own mother, and tried to present a forged document declaring her dead so that she could avoid drunk driving charges. The court clerk, however, recognized Weston and called the police. She was arrested and charged with obstruction of justice. In court, when Judge Dolores Williams noted Weston did that “in an attempt to get four court cases dismissed due to the defendant being dead,” Weston asked, “If I plead guilty can I get my cases to run concurrent?” The judge said no: the drunk driving charge was only a misdemeanour, but the obstruction of justice charge is a felony: she’s facing up to 10 years in prison. Huh, Weston said: “I’m going to do time for that.” Meanwhile, the judge gave her 90 days in jail for failure to appear in court, giving false information to police, DUI, driving with a suspended license, and having an open alcohol container in her vehicle. She also has pending cases for drug possession and larceny. “Are you out on bond for a drug charge?” the judge asked her. “Yes, but the drugs were mine,” Weston answered. (RC/Rock Hill Herald)

Two 28-year-old men in Sydney, NSW, Australia, found a shopping cart and decided to take it for a ride just after midnight. Robin Wahlgren rode inside while his friend stood on the back to steer down the hill. Police estimate the trolly was going about 80 kph (50 mph) when they crossed into the oncoming lane and hit a car, which was running at the 60 kph (37 mph) speed limit. “The person in the shopping trolley died at the scene,” says Detective Superintendent Gavin Dengate. “The other male has numerous injuries, [and is] currently at hospital in a serious but stable condition.” Wahlgren was a student from Sweden; his unnamed friend had arrived from Sweden a week earlier to visit him. (RC/Sydney Morning Herald)

Some more supposedly real student answers to questions.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists 

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery      

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                               

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                                                     

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium       

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.              

Q. What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport.         

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight 

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The grand daughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won’t say what it is, but asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy

“Oh my Lord,” says Fr. Flanagan, “Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It’s a mir….

Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc.”

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. ”

“Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.” 

He knocked. The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out of a window. “Could ye spare some victuals?” he asked. 

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No! bugger off” she shouted. 

“Could I have a pint of ale?”

“No! On ýer way” she shouted. “

“Could I at least sleep in your stable?”

“No! Get the hell out” she shouted again. 

The vagabond said, “Might I please…?”

“What now?” the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. 

“D’ye suppose,” he asked, “that I might have a quick word with George?”

Sorry, sorry, sorry for the delay. This morning my left eye was streaming and it really hurt. It felt like there was some grit in there but it wouldn’t clear. I finally decided I needed to go to the ER. I love the NHS, I got seen within an hour with a prescription for some antibiotic eye drops as it seems like I managed to get an infection probably from some piece of grit which bowed out after doing its job. The drops affect the focus in my left eye so it’s like using binoculars with one eye slightly off. But I’ve got the Newsletter done!! Yeah!! ’See’ you next week.