YMUG Newsletter — 2017/09/17

YMUG Newsletter –  2017/09/17

A collection of news and views, rants and raves and some dodgy jokes compiled by Jerad Zimmermann, Esq.


A PERSONAL NOTE

Sorry for not being able to put out a newsletter last week. Saturday the pain from my ‘procedure’ was so intense I really couldn’t concentrate; I even thought I might have to go to A&E. Imagine someone dropped a bowling ball on your naked foot, that kind of pain but continuing for hours. Fortunately it began to abate. Monday morning I was feeling a lot better. The pain has largely vanished but there is still some swelling. The real annoyance is not being able to get around owning to these incredible lumps of plastic (orthopaedic shoes) I’m supposed to wear for the next month or more. No driving (okay by me), no cycling, it’s hard to even walk much. Stairs are a major chore. Hopefully it will all be worth it. I am about half-way through my Columbo boxed set of DVDs.

Anyway, it’s good to be back with y’all! Now, on with the show, er . . . news!!


NEW iPHONES, NEW APPLE WATCHES, NEW iOS

On Tuesday Apple had one of its big product announcement events in their new Steve Jobs Theater.

iPhone 8 and 8 plus:

https://www.apple.com/uk/newsroom/2017/09/iphone-8-and-iphone-8-plus-a-new-generation-of-iphone/

The iPhone 8 and 8 plus come with iOS 11 installed, have a new cpu chip, dual back camera on the 8 plus, glass back and can be charged wirelessly. Ars Technica likes it.

https://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/09/iphone-8-and-8-plus-hands-on-the-qi-flows-through-this-one/

Oddly enough, Apple’s wireless chargers won’t be ready ’til next year. Until then lucky owners will have to rely on chargers made by other companies.

https://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/09/airpower-wireless-charging-release-date/

Here’s some chargers that will work.

https://www.macrumors.com/2017/09/14/qi-charging-pads-iphone/

Here’s a list of comparisons between the iPhone 8 and the 8 plus.

https://www.macrumors.com/guide/iphone-x-vs-iphone-8-vs-8-plus-tech-specs/

In case you’re wondering if the iPhone 8 is much of an improvement over an iPhone 7 here’s some info:

https://www.macrumors.com/guide/iphone-8-plus-vs-iphone-7-plus-features-tech-specs/

Intrigued? Here’s some of the iPhone 8 contracts being offered by UK companies.

A handy comparison table of all the iPhone 8 deals available from UK networks

iPhone X: (oohs and aahs from the crowd)

https://www.apple.com/uk/newsroom/2017/09/the-future-is-here-iphone-x/

Here’s another list of some of the new features:

https://www.macrumors.com/2017/09/14/50-new-features-in-iphone-x/

Ars Technica’s opinion:

https://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/09/iphone-x-hands-on/

No home button! It’s all gestures from now on. Sigh. Oh and Face ID. Which brings up some privacy and security issues. One US Senator has brought up the privacy issues in congress

https://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2017/09/what-you-should-know-about-privacy-and-apples-faceid-on-ios-11/

Famously, during the presentation, Face ID failed to recognise the presenter, Craig Federighi, and he had to enter his pass code. Apple’s explanation is that several people handled the phone before the show and it tried to identified them as Craig which it failed to do. After a number of failures it requires a pass code.

https://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/09/face-id-apple-fail/

Face ID will only store one face at a time. It’s supposed to work with sunglasses or if you’ve grown a beard. It’s infrared you know.

https://www.macrumors.com/2017/09/13/how-iphone-x-face-id-works/

Apple Watch 3:

https://www.apple.com/uk/newsroom/2017/09/apple-watch-series-3-features-built-in-cellular-and-more/

If you get an Apple Watch 3 you can get its own cell connection so no need to have an iPhone as a relay. But it will only work in one country.

Ars Technica’s thoughts.

https://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/09/apple-watch-series-3-hands-on/

Apple TV 4K:

https://www.apple.com/uk/newsroom/2017/09/apple-tv-4k-brings-home-the-magic-of-cinema-with-4k-and-hdr/


macOS AND MAC STUFF

You might have missed Apple’s update to iTunes and this time there is something significant: the new version no longer has an iOS app store. This will affect the way many of us acquire and update apps on our iOS devices. In the future you will only be able to find, download and update iOS apps via the App Store app on the device. I’m a bit miffed at this: I frequently read about an app I’d like to try on a website and am able to get it via iTunes but now I’ll have to grab an iOS device and download it. A newly acquired iOS app will still download to all your linked iOS devices (verified) so that is good. I just wish Apple had a Mac app that could access the iOS app store. Maybe if enough of us complain? Anyway, it’s one update you might want to forgo although, I assume, the app store will probably become non-viable on older versions of iTunes eventually.

Additionally, I have been having lots of problems with this new iTunes: my computer has spontaneously rebooted twice while using the app while syncing podcasts with my iPhone. This means iTunes thinks it has copied them to my iPhone but it hasn’t. Then I’ve had to go through each podcast that didn’t get transferred, toggled it off, sync, toggle it on and sync again. It’s bad enough that I wish I hadn’t updated.

https://www.macrumors.com/2017/09/12/apple-itunes-12-7-no-app-store/

If, like me, you have updated to the app-less iTunes here’s a guide for dealing with apps:

http://osxdaily.com/2017/09/16/manage-ios-apps-iphone-ipad-without-itunes/

Apple is trying to restrict cookies in Safari (thank you Apple!) and guess what? Advertisers do not like it. “Apple’s unilateral and heavy-handed approach is bad for consumer choice and bad for the ad-supported online content and services consumers love. Blocking cookies in this manner will drive a wedge between brands and their customers, and it will make advertising more generic and less timely and useful. Put simply, machine-driven cookie choices do not represent user choice; they represent browser-manufacturer choice.” 

http://www.adweek.com/digital/every-major-advertising-group-is-blasting-apple-for-blocking-cookies-in-the-safari-browser/

Apple’s response in full:

Apple responds to ad group’s criticism of Safari cookie blocking

(Personal note: I hate advertising and wish it would all go away so anytime Apple makes it easier for me to avoid being targeted I am all for it!)

By the way, macOS High Sierra will be released on September 25th.

Apple to release macOS High Sierra on September 25

And here’s the bottom-line on APFS, the new Apple file system.

https://www.appleworld.today/blog/2017/9/15/what-you-need-to-know-about-apfs-and-macos-high-sierra-compatibility

Avira has introduced a free security suite for Mac users. I’m going to give it a try. It has a free VPN; I’ve just set my location to Austria. Which means I can’t use BBC iPlayer on its website. Maybe Austria is not the best choice . . .

https://www.appleworld.today/blog/2017/9/7/avira-debuts-the-free-security-suite-for-macos

(Oh dear, Avira’s VPN locked up and I had to reboot my machine. I’ll experiment further but not right now. The anti-virus bit seems okay.)

How to use Siri to identify a song. I might try this . . . guess I’ll have to turn on Siri.

http://osxdaily.com/2017/09/08/identify-song-playing-mac-siri/

If you’re using Office 2011 for Macs then you’re going to have some trouble with macOS High Sierra. In fact, you might have problems with Office 2016. Me, I’m an Office 365 subscriber so I should be okay . . . should be . . .

Office for Mac 2011 not supported on High Sierra, may be problems with 2016 apps

Bloc 2 is a website building app for Macs that requires no coding ability!

https://www.appleworld.today/blog/2017/9/9/blocs-2-for-mac-build-professional-looking-websites-without-coding

Trello can help you handle a complex series of tasks. It’s a project tracker . . . I guess. At least it’s free.

https://www.appleworld.today/blog/2017/9/13/trello-gets-a-native-mac-app

Do we need another Mac word processor? Probably not BUT here’s Mellel anyway. One feature it has that sounds interesting is setting it up to convert a whole document from American to British English.

https://www.appleworld.today/blog/2017/9/13/mellel-word-processor-for-macos-boasts-over-200-new-improved-features

Logitech has introduced a new trackball/mouse device which I’d love to have . . . too bad it costs $99.

https://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/09/logitech-ergo-trackball/

Google has promised to stop scanning emails to help with its ad targeting. But for how long?

https://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2017/09/google-targeted-ad-scan/


PHONES, TABLETS, ETC

iOS 11 will be released on September 19th after many beta releases for testers and developers. I’ll install it as soon as I can and report any issues or problems on mactalk.

https://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/09/ios-11-release-date/

Here’s a guide to which devices will be able to experience the splendour of iOS 11 on Tuesday the 19th.

Here are the devices that will (and won’t) be updated to iOS 11 on September 19

Minor fuss of the week: Except for personal photos who really wants a fancy wallpaper on their iPhone? Let alone some of these:

http://osxdaily.com/2017/09/09/get-ios-11-gm-wallpapers-now/

A video review of some writing apps for iOS devices including the one I use, Scrivener.

Friday 5: Awesome subscription-free writing apps for iOS [Video]

How to compress videos on your iPhone or iPad using Video Compressor which is free.

http://osxdaily.com/2017/09/05/compress-videos-ios-video-compressor/

Naughty baseball players, stealing their opponents hand-signals with an Apple Watch.

https://www.macrumors.com/2017/09/05/red-sox-apple-watch-stealing-hand-signals/

Oh dear, some apps on Google Play charged users for fake services without the users’ knowledge.

https://arstechnica.co.uk/information-technology/2017/09/malicious-apps-with-1-million-downloads-slip-past-google-defenses-twice/

If you’d like to read a 245-paragraph review of Android 8.0 today is your lucky day!

https://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/09/android-8-oreo-review/


WWW = WEIRD, WONDERFUL AND WHY

If you’ve heard about the hacking problem with Equifax here’s some info:

The Equifax Breach: What You Should Know

There’s a 250-metre long ‘fatberg’ in a London sewer. And someone has to get rid of it. In case you thought your job was rubbish.

https://arstechnica.co.uk/science/2017/09/putrid-130-ton-mass-clogging-london-sewer-highlights-worldwide-sewer-strife/

Thinking of moving? Someplace warmer? Like Surrey? Now the most expensive region in the UK for buying beer.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-41183028

The police are using dogs that can sniff out hidden USB drives.

https://www.engadget.com/2017/09/15/devon-cornwall-dorset-police-device-sniffer-dogs/

An air freshener and a lighter caused a car to explode in Southend.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-41179132

During hurricane Irma the Tesla motor company remotely modified some of their vehicles in the Florida region so they would cut into what is normally battery reserve so the owners could get out of the area.

https://arstechnica.co.uk/cars/2017/09/tesla-remotely-extends-the-range-of-some-cars-to-help-with-irma/

Proof that we are in the ‘end times’: British warships will soon have Siri-like voice controls.

https://www.engadget.com/2017/09/13/british-warships-will-soon-have-siri-like-voice-controls/

(I used to work for a US military contractor whose remit was to QA software on Trident submarine trainers. Assuming the software on the actual ships goes through a similar validation procedure . . . I’m glad I’m not in the Navy.)

The authorities in California have decided to ban drone deliveries of legal marijuana. Gee, I wonder what they’re worried about?

https://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2017/09/california-bans-drone-weed-delivert/

Love these iOS-controlled lawnmowers, but if I had $3000 to buy one I’d probably already have hired a gardener.

Husqvarna Automower: the iOS controlled mower that cuts your lawn so you don’t have to [Video]

I’m not a big Elon Musk fan but he has a sense of humour good enough to allow a two minute compilation of Space X’s failures to be released.

https://arstechnica.co.uk/science/2017/09/spacex-blooper-reel/

Okay, when I lived in America I did follow American Football. But since when is it popular enough over here to have a BBC weekly roundup programme?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0956ng6/nfl-this-week-201718-week-1

Anyone want a ‘Handmaid’ Mermaid Blanket? Lots of colours are available.

Handmaid Mermaid Blanket


September 17th is the 260th day of the year and is also Operation Market Garden Anniversary in the Netherlands.

Happy Birthday to: mathematician Bernhard Riemann (b 1826, d 1866 . . . wow, didn’t realise he died so young); outlaw Billy the Kid (b 1859, d 1881); author of more than 600 books John Creasy MBE (b 1908, d 1973); one of my favourite authors Mary Stewart (b 1916, d 2014); singer Hank Williams (b 1923, d 1953); the lovely Roddy McDowall (b 1928, d 1998); race car driver Stirling Moss (b 1929); astronaut Edgar Mitchell (b 1930, d 2016); actress Anne Bancroft (b 1931, d 2005); tennis player Maureen Connolly (b 1934, d 1969); author Ken Kesey (b 1935, d 2001); mountaineer Reinhold Messner (b 1944); actor John Ritter (b 1948, d 2003); lead singer of The Tubes Fee Waybill (b 1950); actress Cassandra ‘Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’ Peterson (b 1951); race driver Damon Hill (b 1960); director Baz Luhrmann (b 1962); snooker player Ken Doherty (b 1969).

Rest in peace these folks who died on September 17th: Hildegard of Bingen (b 1098, d 1179, not a bad run for those days); composer Franz Xaver Sussmayr (b 1766, d 1803); slave Dred Scott (b 1795, d 1858); fashion designer Laura Ashley (b 1925, d 1985); pool player Willie Mosconi (b 1913, d 1993); philosopher Karl Popper (b 1902, d 1994); US Vice President Spiro Agnew (b 1918, d 1996); actor Red Skelton (b 1913, d 1997).

Some notable events that took place on September 17th: Boston, Massachusetts is founded (1630); the US Constitution is approved (1787); abolitionist Harriet Tubman escapes from slavery (1849); Joshua Norton declares himself Norton 1, Emperor of the United States (1859); the Battle of Antietam, the bloodiest day in American military history (1962); Lt Thomas Selfridge becomes the world’s first airplane fatality when the Wright Flyer piloted by Orville Wright crashes (1908); Lord of the Flies is published (1954); the Camp David Accords are signed by Israel and Egypt (1978); the 1988 Summer Olympics begin in Seoul (1988); the New York Stock Exchange reopens after the 9/11 attacks (2001).

FUNNIES, ETC (SOME MATERIAL MAY BE OFFENSIVE ALTHOUGH I AM TRYING TO AVOID THE REALLY HIDEOUS STUFF)

“Aristotle, Archimedes, Galileo, Tesla, Faraday, Newton, Pasteur, Einstein, and Edison. Among the greatest scientists in world history. What do they all have in common? Not a single one of them ever wrote about man-made climate change.”
— radio host Mark Levin

“I don’t believe Hurricane Harvey is God’s punishment for Houston electing a lesbian mayor. But that is more credible than ‘climate change.'”
— Ann Coulter

“I would say it’s humility. With the gravity and responsibility of being President of the United States and commander-in-chief of our armed forces, sir, I would say that with that gravity and responsibility have come a great deal of humility…There’s a great deal of humility there.”
— Kellyanne Conway, asked by Pat Robertson what Trump characteristic stands out in her mind

“Before long, Black Lives Matter will join forces with ISIS to bring down our legal constituted republic. You heard it here first.”
— 2015 tweet by Sheriff David A. Clarke, Jr., who until recently has been under consideration for a post in the Trump Administration

“It looks like it could be something that will be not good.”
— Trump on Hurricane Irma

“We are building our future with American hands, American labor, American iron, aluminum and steel. Happy Labor Day!”
— Trump tweet, accompanied by photo in which the First Lady is wearing a dress by a Greek designer that was made in Italy with French materials

“Alone in your room and want company? RENT-A-FISH”
— A service offered at a Belgian hotel

“Quiet neighbors”
— A for-sale sign on a Michigan home. It’s next to a cemetery.

When you’re deep asleep and not dreaming, where the [heck] are you? There’s total blackness, it’s nothing, right? So I’m hoping that’s what death is, that it’s all gonna go. I don’t want to deal with any consciousness afterward.
— Harry Dean Stanton

Mohiussunnath Chowdhury, 26, allegedly planned a one-man terrorist attack on Windsor Castle in England. He used his GPS to navigate to the castle, but didn’t quite get the destination entered correctly: it brought him to the Windsor Castle Pub, less than a mile away from his intended target. Once he realised his mistake, Chowdhury headed instead to Buckingham Palace in London, an hour and a half away — which took him right past Windsor Castle. At Buckingham, he got out of the car and allegedly attempted to attack people with a four-foot-long samurai sword. Officers tackled him, and Chowdhury was charged with one count of “preparing to commit an act or acts of terrorism.” Police were able to collect evidence of Chowdhury’s travels using his dashcam and navigation unit — installed in his car because he’s an Uber driver. (MS/London Telegraph)

Liam Smith, a postgrad student at England’s University of Bristol, says his first date with a woman he met on Tinder went well. After dinner, they went to his flat “for a bottle of wine and a film.” She needed to use the loo, and afterward it “would not flush,” she told him. The “panicked” woman fished her poop out of the bowl, wrapped it in tissue, and threw it out the window — except that the window doesn’t actually go outside, so the smelly package was in the wall. After confessing what happened to Smith, the unnamed woman — who he described as an “amateur gymnast” — “climbed in head first after her own turd,” he said. After she got it, they realised she was stuck upside-down in the window. After 15 minutes of failing to get her out, Smith called Avon Fire and Rescue service to help, and documented the rescue with pictures. The fiasco came to light when Smith posted a plea on GoFundMe to fund replacing the window firefighters destroyed to get her out. “I’m not complaining,” Smith said, as “they did what they had to do.” The appeal went viral, bringing in 14 times his 200 pound (US$265) goal. Smith promised to split the excess funds between two charities: one that builds flush toilets in developing countries, and the firefighters’ charity for “the brave men and women who risk their lives for us.” (RC/BBC)

(I heard about the above story on a US news programme and now I’ve seen some of the pictures. It really happened.)


(From a Quora thread)

There’s an old joke in my country (Romania) about the people in a certain part of our country, Oltenia. Oltenians live in poorer conditions compared to other parts of the country and aren’t so technologically advanced, so inevitably jokes in the spectrum of Stone Age Oltenians had to come up.

Q: What did Oltenians do when they saw the first airplane flying?

A: They went to the mountains to look for its nest.


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to ‘put your twopence in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in Heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we worked out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he mend a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Did you ever notice that, when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not in a sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead flies get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


Yearly Dementia Test!

It’s that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

  1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast’ give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.

  1. Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

  1. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said ‘green bricks,’ why are you still reading these???

  1. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.

In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Milford Haven… Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember your own age… It was YOU driving the bus!


Why teachers drink:

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) ……. and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons. A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans? A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes? A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination? A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised? (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels : A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean? A. Nearby


A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.

“Yes,” the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”

The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

“Ten quid,” the owner says.

“£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”

“Because he’s a lying bastard, he’s never been out of the garden.”


An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”



ABOUT YMUG

Chief Bottle Washer and television reviewer — Tony Crockford: support@ymug.org

Head of Department of Redundancy Department — Chris Brady: ymug@csjbrady.org.uk

with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.


Items for the newsletter . . . reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your participatory social mores editor: news@ymug.org

Thanks to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest. And jokes.


Join mactalk – YMUG’s official email list discussion group.

You’ll get approximately 5 or 6 emails a day and can have ‘instant’ discussions on Mac related issues.  And other stuff, we’re flexible. By the way, if you’d rather have fewer emails there is a ‘digest’ version which concatenates all the daily emails into one.

To subscribe (FREE) to the group, send a blank email to: mactalk-join@ymug.org and then confirm membership when you receive an automated reply from the group,

If you have any difficulty, please contact Tony Crockford, he’s very nice, smart too.  And I happen to know he has excellent taste in music. –  support@ymug.org



YMUG Newsletter — 2017/01/15

YMUG Newsletter –  2017/01/15

_____________________________________________________________

Best Supporting Acting Secretaries:

Tony Crockford: support@ymug.org

Chris Brady: ymug@csjbrady.org.uk

with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.  Thanks also to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest.

_____________________________________________________________

Items for the newsletter . . . reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your participatory social mores editor: news@ymug.org

_____________________________________________________________

Join mactalk – YMUG’s official email list discussion group.

You’ll get approximately 5 or 6 emails a day and can have ‘instant’ discussions on Mac related issues.  And other stuff, we’re flexible.

To subscribe (FREE) to the group, send a blank email to: mactalk-join@ymug.org and then confirm membership when you receive an automated reply from the group,

If you have any difficulty, please contact Tony Crockford, he’s very nice, smart too.  –  support@ymug.org

And another thing . . . Jo Morris-Turner has taken it upon herself to write up some mactalk posting guidelines.  They sound pretty good to me and they make a lot of sense.  If you’d like to read them I’ve put them into my Dropbox public folder: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/1799495/MACTALK%20POSTINGS%20ETIQUETTE.doc

_____________________________________________________________

OS X AND MAC STUFF

The US consumer advocacy group Consumer Reports has now given the new Macbook Pros a ‘buy’ recommendation after working with Apple and discovering that a bug and a Consumer Reports Safari setting jiggered their previous results.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2017/01/macbook-pro-battery-life-safari-bug/

Backup utility Super Duper! has been updated to macOS Sierra.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/17/01/13/hands-on-superduper-291-backup-tool-updated-for-macos-sierra

Some now hidden preferences you can change via Terminal or Tinker Tool that might help speed up your Mac.

http://robservatory.com/speed-up-your-mac-via-hidden-prefs/

I just grabbed Tinker Tool again (it’s been around a while but I haven’t looked at it in ages) and the guy who wrote it has some other nice software.

https://www.bresink.com/products.html

Someone has made an app that will deactivate your iSight camera which is probably a bit more elegant than putting tape over it.

https://www.cnet.com/how-to/how-to-disable-your-macbooks-isight-camera/

Oh dear, Google let Adobe bundle some browser extensions into a security update for Chrome.   Tisk, tisk.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/information-technology/2017/01/adobe-angers-chrome-users-by-bundling-browser-plugin-with-security-update/

And Google has put ride sharing service Uber into Google Maps.  Convenient, true but it’s all getting far too creepy.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/01/uber-has-been-built-directly-into-google-maps/

_____________________________________________________________

iSTUFF

A week ago tomorrow the iPhone turned 10 years old. 

http://arstechnica.com/apple/2017/01/10-years-of-the-iphone-and-10-years-of-iphone-reviews/

http://appleinsider.com/articles/17/01/09/ten-years-of-iphone-the-past-present-and-future-of-apples-blockbuster-phenomenon-

http://www.cultofmac.com/461109/today-in-apple-history-celebrate-10-years-of-iphone-goodness/

http://ifixit.org/blog/8708/10-years-of-iphone/

We’ve all done it: you’ve set your iPhone down in the house somewhere . . . you would just ‘ring it’ but you set it on silent mode for some reason.  Now what?  Using Find My iPhone you can get your errant device to make a noise.  Not a lot of people know that.

http://appletoolbox.com/2016/11/iphone-silent-mode-locate-lost-device/

Looks like the best place to get a new iPhone is Angola.  Really?  I guess that doesn’t include transport costs.

https://www.appleworld.today/blog/2017/1/14/2017-technology-price-index-reviews-the-cost-of-iphones-globally

A court in the US has decided that Apple can be sued for . . . wait for it . . . monopolising the iPhone App market.  I’m so glad I don’t live there anymore.

http://www.macrumors.com/2017/01/12/app-store-monopoly-lawsuit-moves-forward/

China has decided that Pokemon GO! might be a security risk so it’s blocked for the time being. 

http://appleinsider.com/articles/17/01/10/pokemon-go-blocked-from-iphone-launch-in-china-while-state-censor-evaluates-security-risks

The US Federal Aviation Administration has decided that since about 96% of Samsung Galaxy Note 7s have been returned they don’t need to post notices about they’re being verboten on planes.  I do wonder about that last 4% . . . people keeping them as collector’s items? 

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/01/faa-ends-galaxy-note-7-notification-96-percent-of-devices-returned/

_____________________________________________________________

WWW = WEIRD, WONDERFUL AND WHY

A personal plug here: Hidden Figures is a film (released in the UK on February 17th) about a group of black women ‘computers’ that helped launch America into space.  It’s real history with some real mathematics.  I got the book for Christmas.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/science/2017/01/hidden-figures-is-the-perfect-space-race-movie/

The UK’s new Investigatory Powers Act is not going down well with human rights group Liberty.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2017/01/investigatory-powers-law-industrial-scale-hacking-challenged-liberty/

Voyager 1 and 2 are carrying the oldest working computers not on earth.  They have 69.63 kilobytes of memory.

https://www.muckrock.com/news/archives/2016/oct/03/one-governments-oldest-computers-isnt-earth/

And they are running some pretty old languages, NASA has trouble replacing team members because no one knows FORTRAN any more.

http://www.popularmechanics.com/space/a17991/voyager-1-voyager-2-retiring-engineer/

The oldest working computers on earth might be the ones still used in nuclear missile silos in the US.  How’s that for scary?

http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/world-war-three-by-mistake

Good news from El Salvador: they had a day this last week when no one was murdered.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-38605889

Hungry and feeling a bit nostalgic?  How about a nice pie with the movie Tron logo but one that actually glows?

https://www.geeksaresexy.net/2017/01/13/make-edible-tron-glow-pie-video/

Or, if you really want to mix your metaphors: the Queen song Bohemian Rhapsody played on a century old fairground organ.

https://www.geeksaresexy.net/2017/01/10/queens-bohemian-rhapsody-played-100-year-old-fairground-organ-video/

A man dressed as Darth Vader, shovelling snow while riding on a unicycle and playing flaming bagpipes?  I’m working hard here you know!

https://www.geeksaresexy.net/2017/01/09/darth-vader-shovels-snow-unicycle-playing-flaming-bagpipes-video/

_____________________________________________________________

January 15th is the 15th day of the year and is Korean Alphabet Day (in North Korea, they sure know how to have a good time there eh?) and Wikipedia Day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to:  playwright Moliere (b 1622, d 1673), child author Marjorie Fleming (b 1803, d 1811 . . . I saw her on Wikipedia’s list and was intrigued enough to look her up; compiling this list is always interesting because I frequently learn about people I’ve never heard of before), song writer Ivor Novello (b 1893, d 1951), the filthy rich Aristotle Onassis (b 1906, d 1975), father of the H-bomb Edward Teller (b 1908, d 2003), drummer Gene Krupa (b 1909, d 1973), actor Lloyd Bridges (b 1913, d 1998), historian Hugh Trevor-Roper (b 1914, d 2003), are you now being served Frank Thornton? (b 1921, d 2013), Martin Luther King Jr (b 1929, d 1968), metallurgist (?) and politician Margaret Beckett (b 1943), Princess Michael of Kent (b 1945), Strictly Claudia Winkleman (b 1972), tennis player Mary Pierce (b 1975).

Rest in peace these folks who died on January 15th:  Emma, Lady Hamilton (b 1761, d 1815), photographer Mathew Brady (b 1822, d 1896), the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz Ray Bolger (b 1904, d 1987), one of the best pop singers ever Harry Nilsson (b 1941, d 1994), billiards player Minnesota Fats (b 1913, d 1996), lovely actress Susannah York (b 1939, d 2011), the wonderful Roger Lloyd-Pack (b 1944, d 2014).

Some notable events that took place on January 15th:  Elizabeth I is crowned Queen of England (1559), the British Museum opens (1759), the Pemberton Medicine Company (later renamed The Coca-Cola Company) is incorporated (1889), the first Super Bowl (US football) is played (1967), Gaddafi is proclaimed premier of Libya (1970), Wikipedia goes online (2001).

FUNNIES, ETC

“The world was gloomy before I won — there was no hope.”

— Donald Trump

“Need further proof that the fix was in from Pres. Obama on down? BUSTED: 19,252 emails from DNC leaked by WikiLeaks.”

— tweet from Rep. Mike Pompeo, July 24, 2016

“Do you think WikiLeaks is a reliable source of information?”

— Sen. Angus King, in hearing yesterday

“I do not.”

— Mike Pompeo

“All the dress shops are sold out in Washington. It’s hard to find a great dress for this inauguration.”

— Donald Trump

“We have 200 dresses, if not more, in stock.”

— Mae Shipe, owner of Mae’s Dress Boutique

“There’s never been less demand for inaugural ball gowns in my 38 years.”

— Peter Marx, owner of Saks Jandel

***

I haven’t lost my mind!  It’s just that half of it wandered off and the other half went looking for it.

Larry Harmel, 71, was arrested in Baltimore, Md., by an undercover police officer who was posing as a prostitute after he allegedly agreed to pay her for sex. The arrest led him to resign from his position — as the executive director of the Maryland Chiefs of Police Association. Harmel, a 30-year state trooper and a former police department chief, was arrested at the place where he took the officer for the deed: a graveyard. An attorney for the MCoPA noted Harmel is “a long, storied, exemplary law enforcement officer and public servant who’s got an unblemished career.” (RC/Baltimore Sun)

After a derailment of a Washington D.C. Metro train, track problems were the chief suspect. Investigators started talking to the track inspectors: policy requires tracks to be inspected twice a week, but many of the track inspectors couldn’t even answer basic questions about what their jobs entailed. Their inspection reports were falsified, investigators say. About half of Metro’s inspectors and supervisors have been fired, suspended without pay, or demoted due to “years” of “a disturbing level of indifference, lack of accountability, and flagrant misconduct,” says Metro General Manager Paul Wiedefeld. He also noted that no one turned off power to the electric third rail when the derailed train was evacuated, as emergency procedures dictate, putting passengers and rescuers at dire risk. Amalgamated Transit Union Local 689 President Jackie Jeter plans to appeal the firings, since “what they’ve done is not necessarily falsification in their mind.” (RC/WTOP Washington D.C.)

***

A  doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next check-up, the new  doctor  told  her to bring a list of all the medicines  that had been prescribed for  her.  As the doctor was  looking through these his eyes grew wide as  he realised Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you are aware these are birth control  pills?” 

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.” 

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you  there is absolutely nothing in  these that could possibly help you  sleep!” 

She  reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and  said,  “Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I  grind  one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice  that my 16-year-old  Granddaughter drinks.  And  believe me it definitely helps me sleep  at night.” 

***

Sign on a chain-link fence:

Is there life after death?  Trespass here and find out

***

A  man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous  woman next to him started to breast-feed her  baby. 

The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this  nice man next to us.” 

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on,  honey.  Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man  here.” 

A few  minutes later the anxious man blurted  out, “Come on kid.  Make up  your mind!  I was  supposed to get off four stops ago!”

***

Be decisive.  Right or wrong make a decision.  The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

***

(Apologies to any blondes who’ve made it this far but some of these are pretty funny. Thanks to Lesley for these by the way.  A great collection.)

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’

The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’

***

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, ‘What’s the story?’

He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburettor’

She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

***

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

***

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank

‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’

***

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?

‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

***

(I love this one.)

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

***

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’

The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’

The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

***

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’

She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

***

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’

‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’

_____________________________________________________________

I STILL have a cold.  Sigh.  I’m really sick of being sick now. 

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

YMUG Newsletter — 2017/01/08

YMUG Newsletter –  2017/01/08

_____________________________________________________________

Best Supporting Acting Secretaries:

Tony Crockford: support@ymug.org

Chris Brady: ymug@csjbrady.org.uk

with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.  Thanks also to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest.

_____________________________________________________________

Items for the newsletter . . . reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your participatory social mores editor: news@ymug.org

_____________________________________________________________

Join mactalk – YMUG’s official email list discussion group.

You’ll get approximately 5 or 6 emails a day and can have ‘instant’ discussions on Mac related issues.  And other stuff, we’re flexible.

To subscribe (FREE) to the group, send a blank email to: mactalk-join@ymug.org and then confirm membership when you receive an automated reply from the group,

If you have any difficulty, please contact Tony Crockford, he’s very nice, smart too.  –  support@ymug.org

And another thing . . . Jo Morris-Turner has taken it upon herself to write up some mactalk posting guidelines.  They sound pretty good to me and they make a lot of sense.  If you’d like to read them I’ve put them into my Dropbox public folder: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/1799495/MACTALK%20POSTINGS%20ETIQUETTE.doc

_____________________________________________________________

SOME CES HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS.

The Consumer Electronics Show took place this last week and the blogs were full of new products.

I didn’t know there were docking stations for Macbooks.  I bet not for my model though.  Not that I need one of course.

http://www.macrumors.com/2017/01/05/ces-2017-henge-docking-stations-macbook-pro/

A ‘kiddy lock’ iPhone 7 case that stops your offspring from having access to the home button.  Why?  So they can’t accidentally see those pictures you took for your boy friend?

http://www.macrumors.com/2017/01/05/ces-2017-incipio-kiddy-lock-case/

A 256 GB memory stick.  It costs a lot though, I’d just get a portable hard drive.

http://www.macrumors.com/2017/01/04/ces-2017-sandisk-flash-drive/

Oh wait!  Here’s a 2 TB memory stick.  Guess the price.

http://www.macrumors.com/2017/01/03/kingston-2tb-usb-flash-drive/

One I’m kind of excited for: the NVIDIA folks are going to introduce a cloud-based, streaming service which essentially lets you ‘rent’ a high powered graphics card in the sky.  This is very interesting for gamers.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gaming/2017/01/nvidia-geforce-now-streaming-pc-mac-price-release-date/

Some lovely covers for your Apple devices including some fab clear ones from Speck who made the Macbook cover I’ve been using for a couple of years.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/17/01/05/otterbox-universe-case-expands-to-ipad-air-2-speck-presidio-clear-case-line-debuts

This could be useful: an Apple Watch band that contains a blood alcohol content monitor.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/17/01/05/bactrack-unveils-apple-watch-band-with-built-in-blood-alcohol-monitor

A triple monitor laptop.  That’s gotta be hard on the battery.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/01/razer-valerie-triple-monitor-laptop/

Another useful item: an iPhone 7 case that adds a headphone jack.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/17/01/04/incipio-ox-case-for-iphone-7-includes-built-in-headphone-jack-lightning-port

Rats, Christmas is over so it’s too late for me to get a smart toaster or coffee maker.

http://www.macrumors.com/2017/01/04/ces-2017-griffin-home-collection/

Jealous of all your friends and their ‘smart’ kitchen appliances?  Well, you’re in luck: you can now make your dumb refrigerator smart.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/01/smarter-fridgecam-make-dumb-fridge-smart/

One remote to rule them all!  A universal smart device controller.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2017/01/sevenhugs-smart-remote-price-details-uk/

A smart hair brush.  Sigh.  That’s enough new products.

http://www.macrumors.com/2017/01/03/ces-2017-withings-smart-hairbrush/

_____________________________________________________________

OS X AND MAC STUFF

Oops, Apple mucked up Preview’s ability to safely edit PDFs in macOS Sierra.  Not good.  Hopefully they’ll get that fixed soon.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/17/01/03/apples-changes-to-macos-pdf-handling-stymie-third-party-developers-cause-data-loss

An article I’m going to read carefully as soon as I finish the newsletter: a guide to Keychain.  (Thanks Brendan, that’s a really good ‘un.)

http://www.techrepublic.com/article/apples-icloud-keychain-the-smart-persons-guide/

How to use macOS Sierra’s Storage Management system to find what apps (and other things) are taking up space on your Mac.

http://osxdaily.com/2017/01/04/delete-mac-apps-storage-management/

Reminders of how to do SMC and NVRAM resets.  It can help with some hardware issues like your Mac not wanting to shut down.

http://appletoolbox.com/2016/12/mac-will-not-shut-fix/

Some BT customers had trouble getting online last Tuesday.  Your humble narrator was not affected.  My son would have had a hissy fit so I would have heard about it.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/business/2017/01/bt-broadband-outage-router-dns-error/

The mighty Internet Explorer was replaced with . . . uh . . . I can’t remember . . .  for Windows 10 and is dropping market share rapidly.  So, what other browsers are taking up the slack?

http://arstechnica.co.uk/information-technology/2017/01/2016-on-the-web-firefox-fights-back-as-microsofts-share-slumps/

We love our Macbooks but one man involved in the recent shootings in Fort Lauderdale has a reason for loving his a lot even though he’s going to have to get a new one.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/17/01/06/apple-macbook-pro-saves-man-from-bullet-in-florida-airport-shooting

_____________________________________________________________

iSTUFF

Three-quarters of iOS devices that can run iOS 10 are running iOS 10.  I should reword that.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/17/01/05/apples-ios-10-now-on-3-out-of-4-compatible-devices

Some ‘new’ board game conversions for iPad.  I know, that sounds a bit weird.  But the article also has links to other classic board game conversions so I thought you might be interested.  (Sadly Scrabble is not available in the UK.  I wonder why?  And how do you play Scrabble on an iPad anyway?)

http://appleinsider.com/articles/16/12/26/five-of-the-best-board-game-conversions-for-your-new-ipad-or-iphone

Apple says customers paid over $240 million for apps on New Year’s Day alone.  They’re going to have to keep making hardware just so they can make more money selling apps.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/17/01/05/apple-celebrates-monumental-2016-app-store-growth-240m-on-new-years-day-alone

Maybe you don’t need this article but I bet you know someone who does: how to export photos from an iPhone to Windows.

http://appletoolbox.com/2017/01/export-photos-iphone-windows-pc-date/

_____________________________________________________________

WWW = WEIRD, WONDERFUL AND WHY

Need to relax more?  Check out this video narrated by a Dalek.  Don’t be so dismissive, have you tried it yet?  Well, don’t you think you shouldn’t prejudge?  What did you tell your kids when they decided they didn’t like some food without having tried it?

https://www.geeksaresexy.net/2017/01/03/dalek-relaxation-meditation-humans-remastered-video/

Someone has launched a kickstart campaign to create notepads using the classic Mac font.  I’ll pass.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2108133360/cancel-save-notepad

Norway is going to shut down its national FM radio network and go completely digital.

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/01/06/508501366/norway-will-be-first-country-to-shut-down-fm-network-go-all-digital

China gets Apple to pull the New York Times app from their regional app store.  Maybe they should just drop their whole app store?

http://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2017/01/citing-non-specific-regulations-apple-removes-nyt-apps-from-chinese-app-store/

Gunshot wounds are contagious?  Really?  Well, you can make a mathematical model in which that’s a fair interpretation.  Sort of.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/science/2017/01/gunshot-wounds-are-contagious-bullets-spread-like-the-flu-study-finds/

Very brief bits of just about every animated Disney film you’ll ever remember.  It’s lovely really.

https://www.geeksaresexy.net/2017/01/05/evolution-disney-animations-1937-2016-video/

So far, only animated characters can be ‘official’ Disney Princesses.  Sind the death of Carrie Fisher some of her fans want Disney to change their rules.  Well, she will only be computer generated from now on.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gaming/2017/01/fans-ask-disney-make-leia-your-next-official-princess/

_____________________________________________________________

January 8th is the 8th day of the year and is International Typing Day which I am honouring by ‘doing it’.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to:  General James Longstreet (ask Jo if you don’t know who he is, b 1821, d 1904), naturalist Alfred Russel Wallace (b 1823, d 1913), author Wilkie Collins (b 1824, d 1889), author Dennis Wheatley (b 1897, d 1977), actor Jose Ferrer (b 1912, d 1992), actor Ron Moody (b 1924, d 2015), the wonderful actor Roy Kinnear (b 1934, d 1988), some guy named Elvis Presley (b 1935, d 1977), Shirley Bassey (b 1937), Monty Python Graham Chapman (b 1941, d 1989), Stephen Hawking (b 1942), David Bowie (b 1947, d 2016), formerly of The Hollies Terry Sylvester (b 1947), film director John McTiernan (b 1951).  Wow, them’s some talented folks eh?

Rest in peace these folks who died on January 8th:  the stupendous Galileo Galilei (b 1564, d 1642), composer Arcangelo Corelli (b 1653, d 1713), inventor of the cotton gin (we had to memorise that when I was a papoose) Eli Whitney (b 1765, d 1825), Robert Baden-Powell (b 1857, d 1941), Terry-Thomas (b 1911, d 1990), Pierre Mitterrand (b 1916, d 1996 . . . Another person whose birth year and death year have the same last digit . . . Interesting), Lily in The Munsters Yvonne De Carlo (b 1922, d 2007, my first boyhood crush, sigh).

Some notable events that took place on January 8th:  Alfred the Great opens up a can of whoop-ass on the Danelaw Vikings (871), the last execution for blasphemy in England (1697), Bonny Prince Charlie occupies Stirling, has a haggis, banishes some bag pipers (1746), George Washington delivers the first US State of the Union address (1790), future president Andrew Jackson gives ‘dem Brits a proper shellacking in the war of 1812 (1815), the US national debt is zero for the only time (1830), food rationing is adapted in Britain (1940), the Watergate trials begin (1973), British Midlands flight 92 crashes into (or onto?) the M1 (1989), the largest ocean liner ever built, the Queen Mary II is launched (2004).

FUNNIES, ETC

“It is time for us to come together as one united people.”

— Donald Trump, November 9th

“Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what do do. Love!”

— Donald Trump, December 31st

“You know what? The fact of the matter is that when he tweets, he gets results…With all due respect, I think it freaks the mainstream media out that he has this following of over 45-plus million people that follow him on social media — that he can have a direct conversation. He doesn’t have to have it funnelled through the media…There’s a new sheriff in town.”

— incoming WH press secretary Sean Spicer, on Trump’s intention to keep using Twitter to make major announcements

“The so-called ‘A’ list celebrities are all wanting tix to the inauguration, but look what they did for Hillary; nothing. I want the people!”

— Donald Trump

“This is not Woodstock.”

— Trump adviser Boris Epshteyn, on the difficulty of booking high-profile performers for the event

“These are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.”

— Trump team on CIA report that Russia intervened in election to help him, 9-19-16

“It could also be China; it could be someone sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds. You don’t know who broke into the DNC.”

— Trump during first debate, 9-26-16

“Ridiculous.”

— Trump on CIA conclusion that hacking was intended to help him, 12-11-16

“The ‘Intelligence’ briefing on so-called ‘Russioan hacking’…”

— Trump, 1-3-17

“The media likes to make it look like I am against ‘Intelligence,’ when in fact I am a big fan!”

— Trump, 1-5-17

(After which some clever commentator said: I don’t think the feeling is mutual.)

***

From a Quara thread about ridiculous reasons for being fired from a job.

“I was fired for wasting company time (about 90 minutes every Friday afternoon) making system backups on a department computer system! It was the last straw as far as they were concerned. So, out the door I went.  Needless to say, I had seen the handwriting on the wall and had already applied for a job across town.

Some few weeks later, I got a panicked phone call, “You made backups, right?” 

I replied, “Weekly.”

“Where did you put them?”

I responded, “I gave them to [my former manager] as I left the company.”

Silence on the other end.

***

I think we should train illegal immigrants to be guards at the British Museum.  Most of that stuff is theirs anyway.

***

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men “I’m sorry, but there’s a been a mix-up and we don’t know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?”

The Englishman stands up and says that he’ll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby.

The Pakistani man stands up and shouts “What do you think you’re doing?!”

And the Englishman said “Look, one of those babies in there is Welsh, and I’m not taking any chances.”

***

From another Quora thread about teaching kids to be disciplined.

A friend of mine had two kids: a son who was a freshman in high school and a younger daughter.  Every morning she would make them both lunches for them to take to school. Day after day her son repeatedly forgot his lunch, left it on the kitchen counter and ran out to catch the bus in front of their house. 

One morning after he ran out the door his mom spotted the lunch on the counter and decided to do something about it. As the bus pulled up to the front of their house, she came running out of the house in her pyjamas, bathrobe, fuzzy slippers and hair in curlers while waving his lunch in the air and shouting, “ERIC! ERIC!! HONEY, YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH! HERE IT IS!!”. 

Needless to say, he was mortified but he never forgot his lunch again.

***

A man asked an American Indian what his wife’s name was.

He replied, “She is called Five Horses”. 

The man said, “That’s an unusual name, what does it mean?” 

The Old Indian answered, “It old Indian Name. It mean . . .NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!”

***

(I think I’ve used this before but someone sent it to me and it made me smile.)

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the  subject, and  finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the  ice.  After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a  circular cut  in the ice.

From the sky, a voice  boomed, “THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled,  the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos  of cappuccino,  and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, “THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the  ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut achole.

The voice came once more,  “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, “IS  THAT YOU LORD?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!”

***

A man returns home after a long day looking very haggard.  His wife asks him how the conference in Glasgow went.

“It was fine,” he said, “I met up with George Axehandle who I used to work with.  We caught the same train afterwards.  But when the conductor came around I couldn’t find my ticket.  I checked every pocket three times but in the end I had to pay for another ticket and that was hideously expensive.  But I’ll claim it back from expenses.”

His wife said: “I’m glad you got through that!  I’ve had a problem all day: do you know where our car is?”

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Getting over my second bad cold of the Holiday season.  Must remember to get my flu shot soon.  Oh, by the way, one of the funniest things I’ve seen on TV for a long time, Peter Pan Gone Wrong, is still available on iPlayer ’til this evening.  Enjoy!

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YMUG Newsletter — 2017/01/01

YMUG Newsletter –  2017/01/01

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Best Supporting Acting Secretaries:

Tony Crockford: support@ymug.org

Chris Brady: ymug@csjbrady.org.uk

with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.  Thanks also to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest.

_____________________________________________________________

Items for the newsletter . . . reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your participatory social mores editor: news@ymug.org

_____________________________________________________________

Join mactalk – YMUG’s official email list discussion group.

You’ll get approximately 5 or 6 emails a day and can have ‘instant’ discussions on Mac related issues.  And other stuff, we’re flexible.

To subscribe (FREE) to the group, send a blank email to: mactalk-join@ymug.org and then confirm membership when you receive an automated reply from the group,

If you have any difficulty, please contact Tony Crockford, he’s very nice, smart too.    support@ymug.org

And another thing . . . Jo Morris-Turner has taken it upon herself to write up some mactalk posting guidelines.  They sound pretty good to me and they make a lot of sense.  If you’d like to read them I’ve put them into my Dropbox public folder: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/1799495/MACTALK%20POSTINGS%20ETIQUETTE.doc

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OS X AND MAC STUFF

Consumer Reports is an American product testing agency (not affiliated with the government) and, for the first time ever, they did not recommend that people buy a new Macbook.  Primarily over battery life.  But Apple and some commentators are finding their results confusing.

https://9to5mac.com/2016/12/23/apple-working-with-consumer-reports-on-macbook-pro-battery-data/

Did you know you can now use the Photos app online?  It’s all part of iCloud.com.  I know, I really should schedule a meeting so I can help clear up what that means.  I’m feeling a bit stuffy and hung-over this morning (we went over to some friends’ house to welcome in the new year last night) and the *&@# dog wanted to go out at 6:30 this morning so I’ll let someone else decide on where and when.  Deal?

https://9to5mac.com/2016/12/22/apple-redesigned-icloud-photos-app/

Apple’s Maps app now support a lot of the UK public transit systems.

https://www.appleworld.today/blog/2016/12/19/apple-maps-now-supports-good-section-of-the-uk-mass-transit-system

A very good alternative to TimeMachine is Carbon Copy Cloner and it’s been around for a while so it’s been tried and tested.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/16/12/27/new-version-of-carboncopycloner-fully-sierra-compatible-backs-up-your-mac-like-it-always-has

HandBrake is a lovely video player and converter and it’s been around for about 13 years.  And it’s finally out of its Beta phase!!

https://9to5mac.com/2016/12/27/handbrake-version-1-0-0-download/

Could this be the future of two-factor computer security?  A USB key?  It’s kind of like a dongle that you use to unlock your accounts.  “But what if it’s stolen?” you might ask.  It still requires a password.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/security/2016/12/this-low-cost-device-may-be-the-worlds-best-hope-against-account-takeovers/

This article covers some good topics (different kind of user accounts on a Mac, partitioning a hard drive, etc) but there are a lot of intrusive ads.  Sorry.

http://appletoolbox.com/2016/12/10-things-every-mac-owner-know/

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iSTUFF

Those wild and crazy folks at iFixit have published an article listing the most and least repairable smart phones they took apart in 2016.

http://ifixit.org/blog/8694/repairable-phones/

And, of course, they also took apart the new Apple AirPods.  I’d love to work for them.

http://ifixit.org/blog/8690/airpods-are-disposable/

Speaking of the new AirPods, they sound pretty robust!  They’re fairly water and shock resistant.  I would be happy to volunteer my time to test out a pair for the good of YMUGers everywhere.  Who’s in charge of the coffers now?

http://appleinsider.com/articles/16/12/20/apple-airpods-charging-case-hold-up-to-torture-test-with-nothing-but-cosmetic-damage

Is anyone surprised at the new research which suggests that many of ‘us’ might ‘accidentally’ break our iPhones when a new model is released?  It takes me a year just to get used to a new model, no way am I going to want to upgrade more than once every four years or so.

https://9to5mac.com/2016/12/20/columbia-business-school-iphone-upgrades-study/

It turns out the new iOS facebook app will help you to find free wi-fi spots.  But, as the article notes, “[w]hen you use this feature, your location history is saved and it allows Facebook to track your precise location history.”  Still it might be handy someday.

http://appletoolbox.com/2016/12/use-facebook-find-wi-fi-iphone/

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WWW = WEIRD, WONDERFUL AND WHY

Looking for something to do before going back to work or whatever?  What not try the BBC’s really, really hard cheese quiz.  I published this on facebook and a bunch of English folks had a go but, so far, no Americans.  You guys, what are you like?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/2qM5rsdQyy9JTY3LXrlkf4s/the-really-really-hard-cheese-quiz

Some people think that NASA is manipulating the cameras on the International Space Station so we don’t catch site of alien spacecraft or the big hole at the North Pole.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/science/2016/12/nasa-accused-of-hiding-a-borg-cube-at-the-sun-and-a-hole-in-the-north-pole/

Meanwhile, in South Carolina, a politician wants new computers sold with a porn block installed which you would have to pay $20 to have it removed.  I guess freedom of speech, etc ain’t such a big deal in them parts.

https://www.geeksaresexy.net/2016/12/20/sc-politician-pay-20-lose-online-porn-access/

In Texas a couple are suing Apple because their daughter was killed in a car accident where the driver of the other car was using FaceTime.  They say Apple could have made the application safer.  Only in America.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/16/12/29/lawsuit-blames-apples-less-safe-facetime-implementation-for-fatal-traffic-accident

This paper airplane gun is going on my wish list for next Christmas.

https://www.geeksaresexy.net/2016/12/31/airplane-gun-can-fire-120-paper-airplanes-per-minute/

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January 1st is the 1st day of the new year and was not considered the start of the new year in England until 1752 (before that the year was considered to start on March 25th, not a lot of people know that).  January 1st is also Bloody Mary (the cocktail) Day in the US, Jump-up Day in Monserrat and is Polar Bear Swim Day in the US and Canada.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to:  Paul Revere (b 1735, d 1818), Betsy Ross (b 1752, d 1836), EM Forster (b 1879, d 1970), J Edgar Hoover (b 1895, d 1972), Kim Philby (b 1912, d 1988), Carole Landis (b 1919, d 1948), JD Salinger (b 1919, d 2010), Larry King (b 1929, d 2012), actor Frank Langella (b 1938, he’s quite good if you’ve not seen him), singer Country Joe McDonald (b 1942, “And it’s one, two, three what are we fighting for?”), Don Novello aka Father Guido Sarducci (b 1943), news presenter Fiona Phillips (b 1961). 

Rest in peace these folks who died on January 1st:  mathematician Johann Bernoulli (b 1667, d 1748), JC Bach (b 1735, d 1782), singer Hank Williams (b 1923, d 1953), Maurice Chevalier (b 1888, d 1972), actor Victor Buono (b 1938, d 1982), blues fan Alexis Korner (b 1928, d 1984), amazing Grace Hopper (b 1906, d 1992), cinematographer extraordinaire Vilmos Zsigmond (b 1930, d 2016).

Some notable events that took place on January 1st:  the first traveller’s cheques go on sale in London (1772), the first edition of The Times of London (previously The Daily Universal Register) is published (1788), the legislative union of the Kingdom of Great Britain and the Kingdom of Ireland is completed to form the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland (1801), Haiti becomes the second independent country in North America (1804), the UK claims sovereignty over the Falkland Islands (1833), Queen Victoria is declared Empress of India (1877), the Commonwealth of Australia is founded (1901), Nazi Germany passes the “Law for the Prevention of Genetically Diseased Offspring” (1934), the European Economic Community is established (1958), Fidel Castro takes charge in Cuba (1959), Denmark, Ireland and the UK are admitted into the EEC (1973), the first British mobile phone call is made (1985), the World Trade Organisation comes into effect (1995), the Euro is introduced in eleven countries (1999).

FUNNIES, ETC

“Obama has skipped over 50% of his intel briefings.”

— Trump, in a false claim, Sept. 12, 2012

“Fact — Obama does not read his intelligence briefings nor does he get briefed in person by the CIA or DOD.”

— Trump, in a false claim, Sept. 30, 2014

“Obama has missed 58% of his intelligence briefings.”

— Trump, in a false claim, Oct. 6, 2014

“I am, like, a smart person.”

— Trump, explaining why he skips most of his intelligence briefings, Dec. 11, 2016

“I have an absolute way of defeating ISIS.”

— Trump, during the campaign

“ISIS will be gone if I am president. And they’ll be gone quickly.”

— Trump, during the campaign

“I know more about ISIS than the generals do.”

— Trump, during the campaign

“All I can tell you, it is a foolproof way of winning.”

— Trump, during the campaign

“I don’t think they have a strategy. I think that what they know, which is important, is that they are going to need a strategy.”

— adviser Newt Gingrich, on Trump and transition team’s plan for defeating ISIS

“[The CIA. FBI and the Director of National Intelligence have reached a] strong consensus among us on the scope, nature, and intent of Russian interference in our presidential election.”

— CIA Director John Brennan memo

“Where is the evidence? [They should turn] over evidence to we, the American people.”

— Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway

“They should stand in front of a camera and make the case.”

— RNC chair Reince Priebus

“[Intelligence agencies] are talking to the media. That undermines our national security, our intelligence operations.”

— Kellyanne Conway

“In the little time that’s left to me — and I hope it will be months rather than years — I just cling to the hope that the world doesn’t turn upside down again as it did then, though there have been some ghastly developments, haven’t there? I’m relieved I never had any children that I have to worry about.”

— Brunhilde Pomsel, secretary to Joseph Goebbels

Police in Gainesville, Fla., are pretty sure they have the right person in custody in a shooting case. Kendra J. McNish, 24, is charged with shooting into a dwelling and aggravated stalking after doing a “Facebook Live” video showing her following her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, threatening to harm the woman, and then shooting into her apartment. The entire sequence was broadcast on Facebook. McNish, whose job is shown as “stylist” on her arrest report, was confronted by police at a cosmetology school. She said she knew nothing of any shooting — but then said “This situation is funny,” and asked for a lawyer. (RC/Gainesville Sun)

A 14-year-old student at Woodland Hills High School in Churchill, Pa., was able to record his principal making threats against him on the phone. “I’ll punch you right in your face, dude,” Kevin Murray allegedly told the special-education student. “I’ll knock your [expletive] teeth down your throat.” And if the boy tried to call the police on him, that will fail, he warned. “When we go down to court, it’s your word versus mine. And mine wins every time.” District superintendent Alan Johnson admitted “The audio may be alarming and embarrassing, but it is worthless as an evidentiary item.” — the principal cannot be charged with a crime. He has still been suspended, but the boy has been charged with violating the state’s “wiretap” law for recording school officials without permission. He did so because his mother didn’t believe the principal was threatening him, and he wanted proof. The family has pulled the boy out of school, and retained an attorney to defend him against the criminal charges. (RC/Pittsburgh Tribune-Review)

Shortly before Christmas, store security officers at a Walmart in Port St. Lucie, Fla., were watching as a man loitered around the exit with merchandise he hadn’t paid for. He was pretty hard to miss: the merchandise was a 58-inch television set, loaded into a shopping cart. The man made a break for it, but security was ready. To evade security, the man actually ran back into the store in a bid to escape. It didn’t help: the store was crawling with police — the store’s “Shop with a Cop” charity event was in full swing. “Several” St. Lucie County sheriffs deputies ran after him, and arrested James Walsh for grand theft, “resisting a merchant,” and resisting an officer without violence. (RC/WPEC West Palm Beach)

Shawna Blackmon, 28, was scheduled to meet Daiwon McPherson, 33, for dinner and drinks. When he didn’t show and didn’t answer his phone, she knew something was up. She reached out to McPherson’s biker community, who told her that he was being chased by the Mobile, Ala., police — and had a gun. Blackmon found McPherson at a nearby gas station, surrounded by police cars with flashing lights, and multiple officers. She approached the officers and said she was going to get her boyfriend’s gun. McPherson dug through his pockets and, instead of a gun, pulled out a ring and proposed to Blackmon — the entire scenario had been arranged by McPherson in cooperation with the police. “I really wanted to bring the bike life and the police together,” he said. “I can’t believe I actually pulled this off.” Blackmon believed the made-up scenario because McPherson had been previously arrested for running from police. “Friday is bike night [so] it was believable,” she said. (MS/Birmingham News)

The program for the Catholic Joy to the World Festival at the Nelum Pokuna Theatre in Colombo, Sri Lanka, included the lyrics of “Hail Mary” — on which those who had gathered to celebrate Christmas were invited to reflect: “Mama told me never stop until I bust a nut / (Something Mary never did) the world if they can’t adjust, it’s just as well, Hail Mary.” If that doesn’t sound like the Hail Mary you know, that’s because it’s not. Instead of the 15th-century text sung in Latin by innumerable classically trained singers, someone accidentally instead printed the lyrics for the 20th-century rap “Hail Mary” by Tupac Shakur. (AC/London Independent)

***

Quotes from Carrie Fisher:

“Remember the white dress I wore all through that film? George came up to me the first day of filming, took one look at the dress and said: ‘You can’t wear a bra under that dress.’

‘OK, I’ll bite,’ I said. ‘Why?’

And he said: ‘Because … there’s no underwear in space.’

He said it with such conviction. Like he had been to space and looked around and he didn’t see any bras or panties anywhere.

He explained. ‘You go into space and you become weightless. Then your body expands but your bra doesn’t, so you get strangled by your own underwear.’

I think that this would make for a fantastic obituary. I tell my younger friends that no matter how I go, I want it reported that I drowned in moonlight, strangled by my own bra.”

[On merchandising for Star Wars] “I signed my likeness away. Every time I look in the mirror, I have to send Lucas a couple of bucks.”

“I think of my body as a side effect of my mind.”

[on the sale of Lucasfilm to Disney] “I’m now a Disney Princess!”

“Even in space, there’s a double standard.” [On why Princess Leia never got her own light sabre]

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

“They always do [ask me to lose weight]. They want to hire part of me, not all of me. They want to hire about three-fourths, so I have to get rid of the fourth somehow. The fourth can’t be with me. I made a joke!”

***

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?”

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”

 

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?” 

“Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

 

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year .. . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all go to the Bahamas.”

***

Terry Wogan — “Who knows what hellish future lies ahead? Actually, I do. I’ve seen the rehearsals.” (Commenting on the Eurovision Song Contest in 2007)

Alan Rickman — “I do feel more myself in America. I can regress there, and they have roller-coaster parks.”

Victoria Wood — “I once found myself in bed with a man who was a real do-it-yourself enthusiast … he ripped off all his clothes and said ‘What would you like me to do?’ I said, ‘Well, really I’d like you to fix my overflow and re-point my brickwork.’”

Victoria Wood — “I looked up the symptoms of pregnancy … moody, irritable, big bosoms … I’ve obviously been pregnant for thirty-six years.”

***

DARWIN POST ….. Woman saves herself in Crocodile attack using a small Walking Stick.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator.

Here is her story in her own words:

“While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside of our house in Darwin, with my soon to be ex-husband discussing our property settlement, kids and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 5 metre crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging at us very fast with its large jaws wide open. The Croc must have been protecting her young and her home because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little $5 charity shop walking stick with me, I would not be here today!

Just one hard whack to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took….The’ Croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible and I got the lot.”

***

David Bowie — “I reinvented my image so many times that I’m in denial that I was originally an overweight Korean woman.”

David Bowie — “I’m looking for backing for an unauthorised autobiography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.”

Kate Bush — “David Bowie had everything. He was intelligent, imaginative, brave, charismatic, cool, sexy and truly inspirational both visually and musically. He created such staggeringly brilliant work, yes, but so much of it and it was so good. There are great people who make great work but who else has left a mark like his? No one like him. I’m struck by how the whole country has been flung into mourning and shock. Shock, because someone who had already transcended into immortality could actually die. He was ours. Wonderfully eccentric in a way that only an Englishman could be. Whatever journey his beautiful soul is now on, I hope he can somehow feel how much we all miss him.”

***

(One of the best jokes ever.  I heard the first part years ago from a friend at university but I’ve only just heard part two.)

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous.

‘You have no arms !’

‘No matter,’ said the man. ‘Observe !’

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

‘Bishop, who was this man ?’..

‘I don’t know his name,’ the bishop sadly replied, ‘but his face sure rings a bell.”

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, ‘Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.  I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.’

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

‘What has happened? Who is this man?’ the first monk asked breathlessly.

‘I don’t know his name,’ sighed the distraught bishop, ‘but.he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

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Well, I’ve been having a very relaxing and lazy Holiday season.  Not doing much and thoroughly enjoying it!  I hope y’all had a great two weeks since last I spoke at you.  Now I’m off to nurse my new year’s hangover and cold.  Talk to you next week.

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Happy Holidays!

Just about to start a new year and I’m determined to a) loose weight and b) write more.  I hope to be aided in the second endeavour with a new app called WordPress.com.  I’m hoping it will make creating posts easier and therefore more likely to happen.  🙂

 

Just thought I’d try it out a bit since I’ve got all my Christmas wrapping finished . . . I think.  Best check eh?

 

YMUG Newsletter –  2016/09/18


Acting Secretaries:

Tony Crockford: support@ymug.org

Chris Brady: ymug@csjbrady.org.uk

with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.  Thanks also to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest.


Items for the newsletter . . . reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your participatory social mores editor: news@ymug.org


Join mactalk – YMUG’s official email list discussion group.

You’ll get approximately 5 or 6 emails a day and can have ‘instant’ discussions on Mac related issues. And other stuff, we’re flexible. We had a chat about vari-focal lenses this week.

To subscribe (FREE) to the group, send a blank email to: mactalk-join@ymug.org and then confirm membership when you receive an automated reply from the group,

If you have any difficulty, please contact Tony Crockford, he’s very nice, smart too. – support@ymug.org


NEXT YMUG MEETING:

Here’s a list of some topics that Steve or I can talk about for our next meeting:

iTunes (its uses and abuses),
Cloud based sync and backup services,
using text expansion (in-built and specialist apps),
Automator.(what it is and isn’t how to build an automation workflow/service/app),
a look at Preview and what you can do with it,
general productivity apps and approaches – to do lists, note taking, etc,
security basics (passwords & password management, touch ID, encryption incl. File Vault, ZIP passwords, document passwords, etc., being safe online, phishing, etc).

Let me know (news@ymug.org) if any of the topics are of particular interest. Or if there’s something else you’d like to learn about.

I figure the next meeting should be ‘up North’ so . . . Bedale okay with everyone? Sometime in December or January? I want to wait until the newest version of OS X/macOS and iOS 10 arrive.


OS X AND MAC STUFF

Not much OS X news this week what with the release of iOS 10 and the iPhone 7s going on sale. But, be forwarned: macOS Sierra is coming on on Tuesday so expect some disruption in Apple services.

iTunes got an update this last week so it can play nicely with iOS 10. There was only one change I noticed and it was a good one!

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/13/apple-itunes-1251-apple-music-redesign/

One of those ‘keeper’ articles: how to migrate to a new Mac.

http://tidbits.com/article/16734

Why some people are still using OS 9.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/an-os-9-odyssey-why-do-some-mac-users-still-rely-on-16-year-old-software/


iSTUFF

iOS 10 was released this last week suitable for iPhone 5s and newer; here’s a comprehensive review from Ars Technica. I updated my iPhone 6 very early and I haven’t had any problems. In fact, a lot of things look pretty much the same.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/ios-10-review/

I always update my phone via iTunes but some people who updated ‘over-the-air’ had problems which Apple quickly fixed. Also there was an initial problem with T-Mobile but that too has been corrected.

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/13/ios-10-update-bricking-iphones-and-ipads/

Here’s a list of 100 + new iOS 10 features! I guess there’s a lot of stuff I didn’t notice!

http://www.idownloadblog.com/2016/09/13/100-best-new-ios-10-features/

If you have updated to iOS 10 you may have noticed that you can now send handwritten messages. I haven’t tried it ‘cause my family members haven’t taken the plunge yet.

http://www.macrumors.com/how-to/ios-10-messages-handwritten-notes/

You may also notice that the lock screen options have changed. Here’s some help with that.

http://www.macrumors.com/how-to/ios-10-lock-screen/

And Control Center has also changed.

http://www.macrumors.com/how-to/ios-10-control-center/

Some folks are finding that their batteries are draining faster after updating to iOS 10. This can be happening for a variety of reasons, background app refresh is a common culprit. Here’s some suggestions of things to check.

15 Tips to Speed Up iPhone and Improve Battery on iOS 10

And here’s a lengthy review of the iPhone 7 and 7+. I probably won’t get one although it is my birthday this week . . .

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/iphone-7-review/

By most tests an iPhone 7 is faster than every Macbook Air ever made.

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/15/iphone-7-faster-than-macbook-air/

Already people are asking how to reset an iPhone 7 and activate Device Firmware Upgrade (which I’m not familiar with).

http://www.macrumors.com/how-to/reset-dfu-mode-iphone-7/

I’d love to work for iFixit. It must be fun tearing apart iPhones. Here’s their articles on the iPhone 7: http://ifixit.org/blog/8391/iphone-7-teardown/

And the iPhone 7+: http://ifixit.org/blog/8383/iphone-7-plus-teardown/

Some other folks have been bending iPhones 7s and dropping them in hot coffee to see how they handle some rough treatment. They do quite well apparently.

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/16/iphone-7-undergoes-extreme-durability-test-video/

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/16/iphone-7-survive-hot-coffee-videos/

Oddly enough, some iPhone 7s are reported to be making hissing noises when under load.

Some iPhone 7 devices making ‘hissing’ sound while under heavy load


WWW = WEIRD, WONDERFUL AND WHY

If you’ve still got an Apple II then you might want to update ProDOS as someone is still working on it!!

http://arstechnica.co.uk/information-technology/2016/09/after-23-years-the-apple-ii-gets-another-os-update/

Apple was denied planning permission for its Regent Street shop when they wanted to put in some flagpoles with lights.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/apple-store-london-regent-street-illuminated-flagpole-permission-denied/

Apple also filed a patent for a . . . paper bag?

http://www.appleworld.today/blog/2016/9/15/ibag-anyone-apple-files-for-a-patent-for-a-paper-bag

You’ve heard of the exploding Samsung Note 7 phones? Samsung has bitten the bullet and recalled them all. But, of course, some people don’t want to hand in their phones. So Samsung is going to put out a firmware update that will limit batteries to 60%.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2016/09/samsung-note-7-recall-battery-gimped/

Microsoft says their Edge browser is nicer to your battery than Chrome, Opera or Firefox.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/information-technology/2016/09/chrome-improved-edge-lasts-longer-claims-microsoft/

Russia bans porn sites and advices users to meet someone in real life.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2016/09/russia-bans-pornhub-youporn-tells-citizens-to-meet-someone-in-real-life/

Catalytic converter theft is a real issue.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/cars/2016/09/thieves-are-stealing-catalytic-converters-out-of-cars-for-their-precious-metals/

I suppose if I wanted an adult colouring book I might get a Wonder Woman one. Might.

WANT: A Wonder Woman Coloring Book for Adults!

I think I’ll pass on a Star Wars waffle maker.

WANT: Star Wars BB-8 Waffle Maker

But a set of measuring cups that look like R2D2, that I’ll have.

Deal of the Day: Save BIG on R2-D2 Measuring Cup Set, Play-Doh Products, Shadow of Mordor for (PS4 or Xbox One), Irwin Tools, and MORE!

If you’re going to try and extort money from a big company it’s probably not recommended that you put your address on the demand letter.

Dumbass put own address on letter demanding $12.7 million from Brisbane food manufacturer


September 18th is the 262nd day of this leap year (the year of The Donald?) and is the international World Water Monitoring Day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to: Samuel Johnson (b 1709, d 1784), Greta Garbo (b 1905, d 1990), voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel June Foray (b 1917), actor Jack Warden (b 1920, d 2006), victim of Lee Harvey Oswald JD Tippit (b 1924, d 1963), actor Robert Blake (b 1933), snooker player John Spencer (b 1935, d 2006), singer Frankie Avalon (b 1940), Mo Mowlam (b 1949, d 2005), Peter Shilton (b 1949), Dee Dee Ramone (b 1951, d 2002), author Steven Pinker (b 1954), actor James Gandolfini (b 1961, d 2013), actress Tara Fitzgerald (b 1967), Darren Gough (b 1970), Lance Armstrong (b 1971).

Rest in peace these folks who died on September 18th: awesome mathematician Leonhard Euler (b 1707, d 1783), the wizard in The Wizard of Oz Frank Morgan (b 1890, d 1949), Dag Hammarskjold (b 1905, d 1961), Jimi Hendrix (b 1942, d 1970), author Katherine Anne Porter (b 1890, d 1980).

Some notable events that took place on September 18th: Harald Hardrada lands on the beaches of Scarborough (1066), Christopher Columbus lands on Honduras (1501), George I arrives in Great Britain (1714), the Royal Opera House opens (1809), Tiffany and Co is founded (1837), The Netherlands give women the right to vote (1919), the American network CBS begins broadcasting (1927), Lord Haw-Haw begins broadcasting (1939), the CIA is established (1947), satellite Vanguard 3 is launched (1959), US soap opera The Guiding Light ends after 72 years, wow (2009), Scotland votes against independence (2014).

FUNNIES, ETC

“Do you think Hillary looks presidential? I don’t think so. And I’m not going to say it, because I’m not allowed to say it because I want to be politically correct.”
— Donald Trump

“[Hillary Clinton] could walk into this arena right now and shoot somebody, with 20,000 people watching, right smack in the middle of the heart, and she wouldn’t be prosecuted.”
— Donald Trump

“I don’t know. Was it a birth certificate? You tell me. Some people say that was not his birth certificate. I’m saying I don’t know. Nobody knows.”
— Donald Trump in 2013, two years after President Obama released his long form birth certificate

“I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
— Trump, asked if he thinks Obama was born in the U.S., 2015

“I’ll answer that question at the right time. I just don’t want to answer it yet.”
— Trump, asked this week by the Washington Post if he still believes Obama was not born in the U.S.

“As a businessman and a very substantial donor to very important people, when you give, they do whatever the hell you want them to do.”
— Donald Trump, 2015

“I’ve given to everybody. Because that was my job. I gotta give to them… Because when I want something, I get it. When I call, they kiss my ass.”
— Trump, 2016

“One more example of Hillary Clinton’s catastrophic failures as secretary of state.”
— Donald Trump on North Korea nuke test

“What I would do very simply is say, ‘China, this is your baby. This is your problem. You solve the problem.’ China can solve that problem.”
— Trump on North Korea

“Of course it’s legal. It’s a war. Until the war is over, anything is legal.”
— Rudy Giuliani, lawyer and former U.S. attorney, defending Donald Trump’s assertion that the U.S. should have seized Iraq’s oilfields after the 2003 invasion

Zhang Ming, the general manager of a travel company in Jinan City, in Shandong Province, China, required employees to take turns reading his posts on Sina Weibo over a loudspeaker, and everyone was required to comment on the posts. Weibo is a Twitter-like web site. Most of the comments are an emoji meaning “Like”, but Zhang wasn’t satisfied with the level of comments, and fined more than 200 employees 50 yuan (US$6.50) each. Such fines are illegal in China. Zhang refused to comment to a reporter, but issued a statement that his company’s success was due to “a shared mind and strong execution abilities,” and the employees “needed mentoring” to increase morale. (RC/China Daily)

Jeffrey Osella, 50, and his neighbour have had regular disputes over the last 13 years, says interim Police Chief Shawn Lacey in Westerly, N.H. In the latest incident, the two got into a shouting match, and Osella allegedly responded by using a potato gun to shoot corncobs at his neighbour’s house. The neighbour told officers he had recently put his house up for sale, and he was concerned about Osella damaging the property or hindering a sale. Police went to Osella’s house where, according to the report, he answered the door shirtless — with several corn kernels stuck to his chest. He denied shooting at the neighbour, but allegedly admitting firing “towards” the neighbour’s home. He was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct, and “firing in a compact area.” (MS/Westerly Sun)

Residents in downtown Milan, Italy, heard weird construction-like sounds at night. “We began hearing noises on Sunday evening,” said one resident. “We were jokingly saying to each other, ‘Are they robbing the bank?’” Indeed, the sounds got closer and closer to a neighbourhood bank. “On Monday one of us went to the bank to warn them about the tremors we had felt. Others went to the nearest police station on Tuesday because the sounds had not stopped.” Bank and police officials blew off the warnings — until bank employees arrived to find someone inside, who forced them to open the safe and safety deposit boxes. The robbers escaped through their tunnel before police arrived. (RC/AFP)

Michael O. Murphy, 68, went to a neighbour in Davison Township, Mich., to ask for a favour. “I got to get rid of this,” Murphy told Duane Morrish, because “it’s starting to smell.” He had tried to cut up the body of a man he had shot, but it had proven more difficult than he anticipated, and it was still in his garden shed. Could Morrish help him dump the body in a county park? Morrish figured Murphy was joking, but when he accepted the keys to the garden shed and took a look, he went to the police. Murphy is charged with first-degree murder, and faces life in prison. (RC/Flint Journal)


A thief in Paris made plans to steal some paintings from The Louvre. After careful planning he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However he was captured just two blocks away after his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error of not having gas in his van, he replied.

”Monsieur,that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Now do you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else?

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.


What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Why do accountants make good lovers? They’re great with figures.

What is the definition of “accountant”? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

Why did God invent economists? So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

Why accountants don’t read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

What’s an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.

What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.

What’s the difference between the male sperm and an accountant? The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.


A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: “Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: “Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”


Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand.

Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?”

Accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”


I used to live in South Dakota (I’m not bragging, I’m complaining) and I don’t remember a town called Plenty Bears. I wonder if these goofy US town names are real?

These Are the Most Oddly-Named Towns in Each U.S. State


A woman is in an accident while she’s pregnant. While in a comma she has twins (a boy & a girl). When she woke up she asked the doctor where her baby was.

The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them.

She replied,”My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. Anyway what did he name the girl?”

“Denise”, replied the doctor.

“That’s not so bad. What about the boy”, she finally asked.

“Denephew”


One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, “Please give me the good news first.”

Smiling, God explained, “I’ve created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.”


Looks like it might be a lovely day near York. Yeah!! I wonder if I can get a bit more lawn mowed . . .



http://americanadrift.com/2237-2/