YMUG Newsletter – 2017/10/22
A collection of news and views, rants and raves and some dodgy jokes compiled by Jerad Zimmermann, Esq.
SPECIAL PRICING FOR MUG MEMBERS
We’ve got a new list of software that is discounted for Mac user group members. Here’s a partial list of the apps and companies:
Moneyspire, Sparkle, TechTool Pro, 1Password 6, Broom 2, Take Control books, Joe on Tech Guides, Teams ID, EverWeb, various Eltima Software apps, Noteboom tutorials, Prosoft Engineering, Que Publishing products, SlideShark, Opus.
Follow this link to one of my Google Drives for full details: (Don’t worry, you won’t be tainted.)
Looking over the new list I noticed that Commander One and CloudMounter (part of the Eltima stuff) were 60% off. I can highly recommend both of these. CloudMounter lets you ‘mount’ Google Drives as external drives so you do not have to sync them. It’s fabulous! Commander One is a dual-pane Finder like thing.
Sadly this last week a couple of the Eltima apps got hacked (not the two I mentioned) on their servers and it sounds like it takes a complete reinstallation of macOS to clear the problem. If you’re interested in their products check their website to see what the status is. As usual only people who downloaded the affected apps during a short period of time got hit.
Also, Peter W tells me there’s a new version of Take Control of iCloud WHICH HE REALLY SHOULD READ!! 🙂
SOMETHING YOU MUST DO THIS WEEK
Because a personal situation I had with my son having his iPhone mashed on the road (don’t ask) there was a (probably too long) discussion on mactalk about what to do in that situation. The upshot is the following piece of advice:
Log onto you Apple account on their website and check all your details and devices! If you haven’t done so add a trusted phone number you can use to recover your account.
Trust me on this one, you do want to do it.
How many of you remember the template/overlays you could get for your keyboard that showed you all the different things the keys would do depending on what modifier key (cmd, alt, ctrl, etc) was also pressed? When I was first learning Word and WordPerfect those kind of things were essential, pull-down menus were sometimes available but I am talking about pre-graphic interfaces here. (I know, I am old.) Well, I haven’t got an overlay but if I had a real desk I’d print up this list of macOS keyboard shortcuts and stick it on the wall where I could see it.
If you like and use iCloud then you’ll be pleased to know it’s the ‘perfect’ platform for sharing files with friends, colleagues and someone you just met on SnapChat.
In case you missed the news: Apple has relented, a bit, for taking apps out of iTunes and has offered to let us ‘downgrade’ to a previous version with the caveat that you won’t get updates.
If you’re fed up with Apple’s Contacts app you might want to consider Cardhop. Or not. It’s all the same to me.
I’m not vouching for this guide to picking the best wi-fi mesh system for your home. Have a look and see what you think.
Remember our discussion of Apple’s new Intelligent Tracking Prevention option in Safari that has the advertisers’ knickers in a twist? Looks like Google (whose primary source of income is advertising) is figuring out ways around it by moving some of the tracking to the servers. I like Google Mail but this is getting ridiculous.
Do you like Apple’s Magic Keyboards but fancy something other than that austere, brushed-aluminium look? Well, for twice the price you can get ColorWare to do a custom paint job. I wonder if they’d do paisley?
iOS, iPADS, iPHONES
In case you’ve been annoyed, like me, with apps asking you to rate them here’s how you can turn that off!
How to share files using the iOS 11 Files app.
How to teach Siri to correctly pronounce names. I never have that problem actually; I never use Siri.
And then there’s The Shelf, a free app for quick temporary storage. I guess if I were using my iPad for more than looking up who played Morgan Freeman’s wife in The Bucket List I would probably have use for something like The Shelf.
I apologise ahead of time for the website but this article is just really interesting: how to use iOS Files, Dropbox, and Terminal to add any music file to your iPhone or iPad.
I do love this feature of iOS 11: Apple is rolling out new internal maps of airports.
A comparison of the cameras/photos from an iPhone 8 and a Google Pixel 2 XL.
Some ways you can personalise Siri’s responses.
Mobile networks are starting to offer special mobile data packages for premium services like Spotify and Facebook. I can just see it now, my online access grinds to a halt every time Beyonce releases a new hit single. Hey, you, get off of my cloud!!
But maybe the mobile companies aren’t such blood-sucking leaches after all (discuss); Vodafone is going to be offering a pay-as-you-go plan that is capped at £1 a day. I just might look into that being a Vodafoney already. Compare that to EE’s £10 Data Pack which includes 2 GB of mobile data, 100 minutes of calling and unlimited texts per month.
APPLE WATCHES, APPLE TV, tvOS, watchOS
Some possibly good photo apps for Apple Watches.
If you are taking pictures with your Apple Watch then you can zoom in on them with the crown of the watch.
WWW = WEIRD, WONDERFUL AND WHY
My favourite story of the week: Russians are annoyed that some Bulgarians are painting old Soviet statues to look like American super heroes, Ronald McDonald, Santa Claus, etc.
London is getting some electric black cabs.
Are smartphones killing drivers in the US? Do we care?
Floating wind farms off the coast of Scotland. Sounds good to me.
“If you wanted to applaud Chinese president Xi Jinping’s recent speech but got stuck in traffic or were halfway around the world, well, there’s an app for that now.”
A true case of accidental autodefenestration.
Make-your-skin-crawl story of the week: one family is repeatedly bitten by bed bugs on a British Airways flight after they asked to be moved.
Five embarrassing moments from live television. Video clips. Not sure if they are worth it.
You know, the real problem is that the rest of the world thinks drinking tea is cute and charming. So, they make things like tea-balls in the shape of manatees. A ‘Mana-tea’, get it. Sigh. Real men with impenetrable accents and copies of the Daily Sun in their cars drink tea lassie.
I wonder why Elon Musk’s company is drilling a ten-mile long tunnel in Maryland? Maybe he’s BORING? Sorry, sorry.
Could Pole Dancing become an Olympic sport? They have an international governing body: the International Pole Sports Federation founded by Katie Coates from Hertfordshire. They have competitions for competitors as young as 10-years old. I bet it would sell tickets.
Tim? Guess what Tim? It’s not too early to add these ever-so-cute USB heated narwhal slippers to your Christmas wish list.
October 22nd is the 295th day of the year and is also INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY and Wombat day in Australia.
Happy Birthday to: frontiersman Daniel Boone (b 1734, d 1820); composer Franz Liszt (b 1811, d 1886); actress Sarah Bernhardt (b 1844, d 1923); illustrator Edmund Dulac (b 1882, d 1953); painter NC Wyeth (b 1882, d 1945); photographer Robert Capa (b 1913, d 1954); author Doris Lessing (b 1919, d 2013); psychologist Timothy Leary (b 1920, d 1996); painter Robert Rauschenberg (b 1925, d 2008); the amazing Derek Jacobi (b 1938); actor Christopher Lloyd (b 1938); Mouseketeer Annette Funicello (b 1942, d 2013); sigh, Catherine Deneuve (b 1943); author Deepak Chopra (b 1947); football manager Arsene Wenger (b 1949); actor Jeff Goldblum (b 1952); Baroness King of Bow Oona King (b 1967); actor/producer/director Spike Jonze (b 1969).
Rest in peace these folks who died on October 22nd: painter Paul Cezanne (b 1839, d 1906); Pretty Boy Floyd (b 1904, d 1934); cellist Pablo Casals (b 1876, d 1973); Blazing Saddles actor Cleavon Little (b 1939, d 1992); author Kingsley Amis (b 1922, d 1995); actress Mary Wickes (b 1910, d 1995); author Eric Ambler (b 1909, d 1998); CIA maven Richard Helms (b 1913, d 2002); actor Arthur Hill (b 1922, d 2006); comedian Soupy Sales (b 1926, d 2009).
Some notable events that took place on October 22nd: the world was created at about 6pm according to Bishop Ussher (4004 BC); Scilly naval disaster in which four British Royal Navy vessels run aground near the Isles of Scilly and thousands of sailors die (1707); the first recorded parachute jump (1797); The Great Anticipation wherein the followers of William Miller (the Millerites) anticipate the second coming of Christ and the beginning of the end of the world, the next day became known by the Millerites as The Great Disappointment (1844); the Metropolitan Opera House in New York City opens (1883); the Royal Observatory is adopted as the prime meridian of longitude by the International Meridian Conference (1884); Dr Crippen is convicted at the Old Bailey (1910); Pretty Boy Floyd is killed by the G-men (1934); US President John Kennedy announces that there are nuclear missiles in Cuba (1962); the Papal inauguration of John Paul II (1978).
FUNNIES, ETC (Some material may be offensive although i am trying to avoid the really hideous stuff)
“To fear the world we have organised and led for three-quarters of a century, to abandon the ideals we have advanced around the globe for the sake of some half-baked, spurious nationalism cooked up by people who would rather find scapegoats than solve problems is as unpatriotic as an attachment to any other tired dogma of the past that Americans consigned to the ash heap of history.”
— John McCain, member of the Republican party, in remarks upon receiving the National Constitution Center’s Liberty Medal
“People have to be careful because at some point I fight back. I’m being very nice. I’m being very, very nice. But at some point I fight back, and it won’t be pretty.”
— Trump, Republican president, in response
“I’d say it was a 10…I give ourselves a 10… We have provided so much, so fast.”
— Trump, asked to rate the response to Puerto Rico
“In nine months, we have done more, they say, than any president in history.”
— Trump on his administration
A Mesa County, Colo., sheriff’s deputy was on patrol, and even while driving could smell the familiar odor of fresh marijuana coming from a rental truck he was following in the town of Fruitvale. The truck was speeding, so he pulled it over and asked the driver, Sinh Chan Hoang, 53, if he had any marijuana in the truck. “Just a little,” the man said. Hoang agreed to show the deputy what a “little” was: he pulled up the rolling door, pulled out a trash bag, poked a finger through the plastic, and pulled out some weed. “It’s just a little bit,” Hoang told the deputy. “I can throw it out.” But the deputy could see other trash bags: nt all, there were 87 bags holding 3,100 pounds of marijuana. Hoang and his passenger, Larry Tran, 49, were arrested and charged with felony possession with intent to distribute marijuana. (RC/Grand Junction Sentinel)
Police were dispatched to a Casper, Wyo., residence, where they found Bryant Johnson with bloodshot eyes, slightly slurred speech, and the smell of alcohol on him. He told the officers he was from the year 2048, and had traveled back in time to warn locals of an alien invasion coming next year, and he needed to speak to the president of the town. He explained that in order to time travel, aliens filled his body with alcohol and had him stand on a giant pad. But he had ended up in the wrong year: he was transported to 2017 instead of 2018, which is when he’d intended to go. A blood sample showed he had a blood alcohol content of .136 percent, and Johnson was arrested on public intoxication charges. (MS/KTWO Casper)
An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom – poof!! – the light goes on.
When I’m done – poof!! – the light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” says the doctor.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife. “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine, but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!! – the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done – poof!! – the light goes off?”
“Oh, my God!” Ethel exclaims, “He’s peeing in the fridge again!”
A couple quotes from Leighann Lord:
“Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest in drug use? It’s nice to be number one, but we can fix that. All we need to do is start the war on education. If it’s anywhere near as successful as our war on drugs, in no time we’ll all be hooked on phonics.”
“That moment when you realise — and I mean really, truly know — that the greatest gift you’ve gotten was the day you were born to people who love you; everything else is gravy. But a Lexus would be cool too.”
Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Ken: – I reckon he’s an accountant.
Keith: – No way – he’s a stockbroker..
Ken: – He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Ken: – ‘Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession.
Ken: – Oh! What’s that then?
Suit: – I’ll try to explain by example… Do you have a goldfish at home?
Ken: – Err…. Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: – Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: – It’s in a pond!
Suit: – Well then it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
Ken – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: – Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Ken: – As it happens I’ve got a five-bedroom house…built it myself!
Suit: – Well given that you’ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Ken: – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Ken:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Ken: – Me? Never.
Suit: – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!
Ken: – How’s that then?
Suit: – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!
Ken: – Yeah! That’s pretty impressive…thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.
Keith: – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Ken – Yep! He’s a logical scientist!
Keith: – What’s that then?
Ken: – I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Keith: – Nope.
Ken: – Well then, you’re a wanker!
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”
The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”
Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something.
Some quotes from Carol Burnett:
It’s almost impossible to be funnier than the people in Washington.
If you want to know the feeling [of labor pain], just take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
No one ever said life was fair. Just eventful.
I liked myself better when I wasn’t me.
It’s not a bad thing to be able to do many things onstage. If you’re an entertainer, you should be able to entertain. I’m proud to say that I’m not a one-trick pony. When I was starting out in this business, that was the norm. You did it all. You looked around, and entertainers could dance, sing, play the piano, act, make you laugh.
You have to really want it, and don’t take it personally if you don’t get a job. Because sometimes you’re not the type. And sometimes it’s somebody else’s turn.
I was once asked to do my Tarzan yell at Bergdorf Goodman, and a guard burst in with a gun! Now I only do it under controlled circumstance.
[on working with Tim Conway when he went off script] I often thought that I should have some investment in Depends, because nobody could be with Tim and keep a straight face.
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.
When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to look after them. And since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!” The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?” Allah replied, “Who told you they were women?”
(Potentially offensive language although it depends on how you take things)
A southern gentleman went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah
persuade y’all to give me a piece of aass?”
“Wow, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had!” gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and said “Sure, why not? You’re an attractive guy, and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to your room?”
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked “Will there be anything else?”
“Why yes” replied the southerner. “Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of ya. But where ah come from down in Luzianna, we lahk our bourbon real cold, so it’s still a piece of aass for mah drink that I need”.
Chief Bottle Washer and television reviewer — Tony Crockford: email@example.com
Head of Department of Redundancy Department — Chris Brady: firstname.lastname@example.org
with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.
Items for the newsletter . . . reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your participatory social mores editor: email@example.com
Thanks to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest. And jokes.
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