YMUG Newsletter – 2017/09/17
A collection of news and views, rants and raves and some dodgy jokes compiled by Jerad Zimmermann, Esq.
FREE CANON INK CARTRIDGES
Alan Smith (firstname.lastname@example.org) asked me to pass on the following:
My well-loved Canon printer MG5350 has gone to its last resting place, the council tip, leaving me with 20 cartridges of ink that are NBG to me. They were bought from IJT Direct within the last few months. Any use to anyone, p&p only?
SPECIAL PRICING FOR MUG MEMBERS
We’ve been told about discounts on some software for members of Mac user groups. Here’s a list of some of the apps included:
Moneyspire, Sparkle, TechTool Pro, 1Password 6, Broom 2, Take Control books, Joe on Tech Guides, Teams ID, EverWeb, various Eltima Software apps, Noteboom tutorials, Prosoft Engineering, Que Publishing products, SlideShark, Opus.
Follow this link to one of my Google Drives for full details: (Don’t worry, you won’t be tainted.)
iOS 11 IS OUT!
On Tuesday (evening for us UKers) iOS 11 was released for the striving masses. I updated my 16 GB iPhone 6 via iTunes as usual.
Here is Ars Technica’s extremely thorough review:
You will notice that Control Center is quite different and customisable.
My iPhone 6 is definitely faster but iPhone 5s aren’t feeling the love.
iOS 11 has introduced a new file format for photos (it will also be supported in macOS High Sierra due out tomorrow). Here’s some info.
Siri can now provide some translations for you.
iOS 11 may be more . . . impactful for iPads than iPhones.
The iOS 11 Dock is much more flexible now on iPads.
And what’s that Files app all about?
Some iOS 11 features you may have missed?
And another list of iOS 11 features.
Turns out that turning off Bluetooth and wi-fi in the new Control Center doesn’t completely turn them off.
A designer takes a long look at iOS 11 and finds it lacking. I quite agree that there are inconsistencies between apps.
Personally I find iOS 11 to be good and bad:
Good in that my phone is running noticeably faster, seems to have a bit more storage space and the battery seems just fine. I really like the built-in document scanner.
Bad in that some of the new versions of standard apps now look a bit more flat and bland (just a matter of taste really) but a couple, like Podcasts have been changed to the point where I’m having to rework my standard operating procedures.
I think though that security issues are important and you are always safer with the latest iOS version.
Lest I forget: watchOS and tvOS have been updated as well.
THE iPHONE 8 IS OUT!
The A11 chip in the iPhone 8s outperforms the i5s in some Macbooks. Really.
Some non-Apple charging pads for iPhone 8s and iPhone Xs.
How does wireless charging work? It’s inductive power transfer! Duh!
9to5Mac likes the iPhone 8 but asks if you should wait for the iPhone X instead?
How physically durable are those iPhone 8s anyway?
macOS AND MAC STUFF
Last week I had a moan about the newest version of iTunes, 12.7: it’s missing the iOS app store AND it was unstable for me. Well, it now seems to be behaving on my system and older versions of iTunes have also been stripped of the iOS app store. So . . . you might as well update.
One thing we do all want to know is: how do you add custom ringtones to iTunes 12.7?
There is a way to ‘downgrade’ to iTunes 12.6 but it’s pretty messy.
Safari was updated this last week.
I think I mentioned last week that some companies are really upset with Apple’s decision to increase Safari’s ad-tracking restrictions. But I can’t resist to reference it again! Good for Apple!! This article explains how the new cookie restrictions will work.
I should learn to set Reminders. Maybe next week . . . someone remind me.
This is kind of cool: you can now get a software tool that will transcribe audio files. I wonder how it would handle a Scottish accent?
PHONES, TABLETS, WATCHES, TVs, etc
Something that came up in mactalk this last week: how to edit live photos in iOS 11.
Pages, Numbers and Keynote for iOS got updated.
I tell you what: if I needed to get a new iPhone I’d seriously consider getting an iPhone 6s from Apple directly. It’s a great phone and now it’s very affordable.
PODCAST RECOMMENDATION: NEWS QUIZ EXTRA
I love the Radio 4 programme The News Quiz and have been subscribing to the BBC Friday Night Comedy podcast (in which it appears) via iTunes for years. If you’re a fan of the show you have probably figured out that the scoring seems a bit wonky: teams get points which you haven’t heard being awarded. It turns out that the actual recording of the show goes on for longer than the 30-minute broadcast and some lovely person at the BBC has decided that they will release extended versions of the episodes in this series. Warning: they’ve left in all the swear words as well.
You can subscribe to it via iTunes by searching for News Quiz Extra. It seems to be released on the Monday following the Friday radio broadcast and the last available episode lasts about 44 minutes.
CAN’T GET THAT SONG OUT OF MY HEAD
This one tends to live always just on the severe edge of my consciousness. I’ve linked to one of several fine versions available on YouTube but this particular one is from their live album Waiting for Columbus which, for my money, is one of the greatest live rock albums every recorded.
Little Feat — Dixie Chicken
WWW = WEIRD, WONDERFUL AND WHY
The HP Z8 is a computer which can be kitted out with 56-cores, 3 TB of RAM and 3 GPUs. Wow. I bet it can heat your home as well.
In 1983 a Soviet nuclear launch warning satellite network thought it detected an attack coming from the US (considering Reagan was President it probably was a real fear). The officer in charge, Stanislav Petrov, figured it was an error and didn’t inform the Kremlin. He may have saved the world from a nuclear war. He died in May and the news is just getting out.
CCleaner is a cache cleaner for Windows; I used to use it a few years ago. Sadly, someone sneaked some malware into a recent build.
Muhammed has made it onto the list of most popular boys names in England and Wales. I bet my name has never been on that list!
I like the idea of a ‘smart’ lock that tells you you left the door open but it would be even slicker if it closed and locked the door for you!!
The Daily Mail got done for misrepresenting some data on climate change but no one really expects them to change their stance.
An electric bus has travelled over 1000 miles on a single charge! Yeah!!
A telemarketer called an elevator emergency phone. I guess they really just do dial every number.
I guess the Boston Red Socks didn’t use an iPhone to steal the hand signals of their opponents; they used a Fitbit.
Maybe social networks aren’t so bad: a particularly dense criminal got caught after posting pictures of his arsenal on Instagram.
I’ll pass on this incense burner in the shape of the RV featured in the television show Breaking Bad. But I wish I had thought of it.
September 24th is the 267th day of the year and is also National Punctuation Day in the US of A.
Happy Birthday to: mathematician Gerolamo Cardano (b 1501, d 1576); composer Jean-Louis Lully (b 1667, d 1688); politician Horace Walpole (b 1717, d 1797); musician Blind Lemon Jefferson (b 1893, d 1929); author F Scott Fitzgerald (b 1896, d 1940); actor Anthony Newley (b 1931, d 1999); Muppets creator Jim Henson (b 1936, d 1990); photographer (?) Linda McCartney (b 1941, d 1998); actress Harriet Walter (b 1950); footballer Ally McCoist (b 1962).
Rest in peace these folks who died on September 24th: man of many talents Paracelsus (b 1493, d 1541); poet Branwell Bronte (b 1817, d 1848); physicist Hans Geiger (b 1882, d 1945); author Dr Seuss (b 1904, d 1991); founder of The Academy of Ancient Music Christopher Hogwood (b 1941, d 2014).
Some notable events that took place on September 24th: second Council of Nicea (787); Devils Tower in Wyoming becomes the first US National Monument (1906); the Honda Motor Company is founded (1948); CompuServe launches the first consumer internet service (1979); the Comprehensive Nuclear Test Ban Treaty is signed at the UN (1996).
FUNNIES, ETC (SOME MATERIAL MAY BE OFFENSIVE ALTHOUGH I AM TRYING TO AVOID THE REALLY HIDEOUS STUFF)
“Loser terrorists must be dealt with in a much tougher manner. The internet is their main recruitment tool which we must cut off & use better!”
— Trump tweet
“Rocket Man is on a suicide mission for himself and for his regime.”
— Trump on Kim Jong Un
“I will surely and definitely tame the mentally deranged U.S. dotard with fire.”
— Kim in response
“We can be on stage while I’m home walking the dogs”
— An ABBA band member on their plans to tour as holograms…while still very much alive.
“We have dinosaurs. No contest”
— London’s Natural History Museum, on whether it would win a duel with the city’s Science Museum.
Online security expert Brian Krebs says he has figured out one way hackers were able to break into the Equifax consumer credit reporting bureau; hackers stole detailed personal financial information on 143 million Americans. How? Equifax’s online security sucked. Even well after Equifax revealed the breach, which they delayed for six weeks while company insiders sold millions in Equifax stock before its price was whacked by the news, Krebs found that the company’s Argentina operation still had significant issues: their system there “was wide open, protected by perhaps the most easy-to-guess password combination ever,” Krebs said: “admin” for the user name, and “admin” for the password. Once in, he was able to see every employee’s personal password in plain text, and he could see that every one of the passwords was the same as the employee’s login name, which was their surname, or their first initial and surname. Equifax only took that system offline after Krebs told them about it. The issue “was not in any way connected to the cyber-security event that occurred in the United States,” an Equifax spokeswoman declared, adding, “we will continue to test and improve all security measures in the region.” (RC/BBC)
Kimberley Paige Barnette, 53, is running for mayor in Charlotte, N.C. Several people are not pleased with her campaign. “She’s using the race card,” opponent Gary Dunn said. Barnette spelled out her qualifications in a Facebook post: “VOTE FOR ME! REPUBLICAN & SMART, WHITE, TRADITIONAL.” During a debate, Barnette was asked for her plan to help Charlotte’s lower-income residents. “I don’t think we should encourage more lower-income people to [come to] Charlotte,” she said. “We should attract higher-income people.” After a public uproar over her Facebook post, she made a new post: “There is a group called Congressional Black Caucus. I’m sorry if I described myself as white and it offended others.” (MS/Charlotte Observer, WJZY Charlotte)
Some quotes from participants in this year’s Strictly Come Dancing
Rev Richard Coles
“There’s a dog collar being pimped apparently, we’re quite excited about that.”
“I was preaching quite a fierce sermon recently and a piece of glitter fell out of my hair.”
“I’m going to need a miracle. It’s ‘let us spray’ at the moment.”
“I’m going to have to launch myself across a dance floor, which I haven’t done since Ibiza in 1990. And it wasn’t pretty then, believe me.”
“I’m very happy to volunteer to dance with Aljaz anywhere, any place, any time.”
Asked if she would wear skimpy outfits: “I’ll only be getting my kit off privately in the spray tan booth.”
On the show’s costumes: “It’s amazing, they gave me a waist – I hadn’t seen that waist for a long time.”
On doing ballet dancing in the past: “Strictly has changed over the years. At the beginning it really was that you didn’t have any training. Lots of people have done it now who have. I did train as a ballet dancer over 30 years ago. But it’s like if you were at school and really good at high jump, and 35 years later you’re asked to enter a competition and you’ve got to do long jump.”
On having a moment with professional Gorka: “When I walked into the dressing rooms, one of the male dancers, I’m not going to say who – Gorka – had his top off. And I’ve actively avoided any contact with the male species for my entire life. And I went…. ‘he’s beautiful!'”
On seeing Davood at a costume fitting: “I got to stare at this lovely man’s derriere in a pair of tight Latin trousers – there’s not many better sights.”
On only getting two tickets for friends and family per show: “I’m selling mine on eBay – 10 grand each. I want to stay in the show so I could make 20 grand a week.”
Some Johnny Carson jokes:
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
You get the feeling that Dan Quayle’s golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons?
Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.
There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan’s advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.
Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford. An actor and a stuntman.
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called “sucking up to the stars.”
Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, ‘Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.’
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
A woman is helping her husband instal his computer. She says it will ask him for a password so he should make one up.
Being a bit of a He man, he winks at his wife and says “penis”. He enters the password and presses the ‘submit’ button.
His wife bursts into hysterical laughter…….
The computer responded: “Too short, entry refused.”
Some great one-liners:
Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”
Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”
Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
Jo Brand – “The way to a man’s heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife.”
Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”
Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”
Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”
Sarah Millican – “I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, ‘I would do anything for love’ and on the back it said ‘but I won’t do that.'”
Tommy Cooper – “Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”
Jack Whitehall – “I’m sure wherever my father is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
Some Red Skelton jokes:
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
I’m nuts and I know it. But so long as I make ’em laugh, they ain’t going to lock me up.
Congress: Bingo with billions.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, ‘I’ve been going for three months.’ I said, ‘How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?’ He said, ‘All of them.’
Exercise? I get in on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months I don’t like to interrupt her.
My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language? One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap.
Chief Bottle Washer and television reviewer — Tony Crockford: email@example.com
Head of Department of Redundancy Department — Chris Brady: firstname.lastname@example.org
with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.
Items for the newsletter . . . reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your participatory social mores editor: email@example.com
Thanks to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest. And jokes.
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