Archives for September 2016

YMUG Newsletter –  2016/09/18


Acting Secretaries:

Tony Crockford: support@ymug.org

Chris Brady: ymug@csjbrady.org.uk

with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.  Thanks also to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest.


Items for the newsletter . . . reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your participatory social mores editor: news@ymug.org


Join mactalk – YMUG’s official email list discussion group.

You’ll get approximately 5 or 6 emails a day and can have ‘instant’ discussions on Mac related issues. And other stuff, we’re flexible. We had a chat about vari-focal lenses this week.

To subscribe (FREE) to the group, send a blank email to: mactalk-join@ymug.org and then confirm membership when you receive an automated reply from the group,

If you have any difficulty, please contact Tony Crockford, he’s very nice, smart too. – support@ymug.org


NEXT YMUG MEETING:

Here’s a list of some topics that Steve or I can talk about for our next meeting:

iTunes (its uses and abuses),
Cloud based sync and backup services,
using text expansion (in-built and specialist apps),
Automator.(what it is and isn’t how to build an automation workflow/service/app),
a look at Preview and what you can do with it,
general productivity apps and approaches – to do lists, note taking, etc,
security basics (passwords & password management, touch ID, encryption incl. File Vault, ZIP passwords, document passwords, etc., being safe online, phishing, etc).

Let me know (news@ymug.org) if any of the topics are of particular interest. Or if there’s something else you’d like to learn about.

I figure the next meeting should be ‘up North’ so . . . Bedale okay with everyone? Sometime in December or January? I want to wait until the newest version of OS X/macOS and iOS 10 arrive.


OS X AND MAC STUFF

Not much OS X news this week what with the release of iOS 10 and the iPhone 7s going on sale. But, be forwarned: macOS Sierra is coming on on Tuesday so expect some disruption in Apple services.

iTunes got an update this last week so it can play nicely with iOS 10. There was only one change I noticed and it was a good one!

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/13/apple-itunes-1251-apple-music-redesign/

One of those ‘keeper’ articles: how to migrate to a new Mac.

http://tidbits.com/article/16734

Why some people are still using OS 9.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/an-os-9-odyssey-why-do-some-mac-users-still-rely-on-16-year-old-software/


iSTUFF

iOS 10 was released this last week suitable for iPhone 5s and newer; here’s a comprehensive review from Ars Technica. I updated my iPhone 6 very early and I haven’t had any problems. In fact, a lot of things look pretty much the same.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/ios-10-review/

I always update my phone via iTunes but some people who updated ‘over-the-air’ had problems which Apple quickly fixed. Also there was an initial problem with T-Mobile but that too has been corrected.

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/13/ios-10-update-bricking-iphones-and-ipads/

Here’s a list of 100 + new iOS 10 features! I guess there’s a lot of stuff I didn’t notice!

http://www.idownloadblog.com/2016/09/13/100-best-new-ios-10-features/

If you have updated to iOS 10 you may have noticed that you can now send handwritten messages. I haven’t tried it ‘cause my family members haven’t taken the plunge yet.

http://www.macrumors.com/how-to/ios-10-messages-handwritten-notes/

You may also notice that the lock screen options have changed. Here’s some help with that.

http://www.macrumors.com/how-to/ios-10-lock-screen/

And Control Center has also changed.

http://www.macrumors.com/how-to/ios-10-control-center/

Some folks are finding that their batteries are draining faster after updating to iOS 10. This can be happening for a variety of reasons, background app refresh is a common culprit. Here’s some suggestions of things to check.

15 Tips to Speed Up iPhone and Improve Battery on iOS 10

And here’s a lengthy review of the iPhone 7 and 7+. I probably won’t get one although it is my birthday this week . . .

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/iphone-7-review/

By most tests an iPhone 7 is faster than every Macbook Air ever made.

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/15/iphone-7-faster-than-macbook-air/

Already people are asking how to reset an iPhone 7 and activate Device Firmware Upgrade (which I’m not familiar with).

http://www.macrumors.com/how-to/reset-dfu-mode-iphone-7/

I’d love to work for iFixit. It must be fun tearing apart iPhones. Here’s their articles on the iPhone 7: http://ifixit.org/blog/8391/iphone-7-teardown/

And the iPhone 7+: http://ifixit.org/blog/8383/iphone-7-plus-teardown/

Some other folks have been bending iPhones 7s and dropping them in hot coffee to see how they handle some rough treatment. They do quite well apparently.

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/16/iphone-7-undergoes-extreme-durability-test-video/

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/16/iphone-7-survive-hot-coffee-videos/

Oddly enough, some iPhone 7s are reported to be making hissing noises when under load.

Some iPhone 7 devices making ‘hissing’ sound while under heavy load


WWW = WEIRD, WONDERFUL AND WHY

If you’ve still got an Apple II then you might want to update ProDOS as someone is still working on it!!

http://arstechnica.co.uk/information-technology/2016/09/after-23-years-the-apple-ii-gets-another-os-update/

Apple was denied planning permission for its Regent Street shop when they wanted to put in some flagpoles with lights.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/apple-store-london-regent-street-illuminated-flagpole-permission-denied/

Apple also filed a patent for a . . . paper bag?

http://www.appleworld.today/blog/2016/9/15/ibag-anyone-apple-files-for-a-patent-for-a-paper-bag

You’ve heard of the exploding Samsung Note 7 phones? Samsung has bitten the bullet and recalled them all. But, of course, some people don’t want to hand in their phones. So Samsung is going to put out a firmware update that will limit batteries to 60%.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2016/09/samsung-note-7-recall-battery-gimped/

Microsoft says their Edge browser is nicer to your battery than Chrome, Opera or Firefox.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/information-technology/2016/09/chrome-improved-edge-lasts-longer-claims-microsoft/

Russia bans porn sites and advices users to meet someone in real life.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2016/09/russia-bans-pornhub-youporn-tells-citizens-to-meet-someone-in-real-life/

Catalytic converter theft is a real issue.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/cars/2016/09/thieves-are-stealing-catalytic-converters-out-of-cars-for-their-precious-metals/

I suppose if I wanted an adult colouring book I might get a Wonder Woman one. Might.

WANT: A Wonder Woman Coloring Book for Adults!

I think I’ll pass on a Star Wars waffle maker.

WANT: Star Wars BB-8 Waffle Maker

But a set of measuring cups that look like R2D2, that I’ll have.

Deal of the Day: Save BIG on R2-D2 Measuring Cup Set, Play-Doh Products, Shadow of Mordor for (PS4 or Xbox One), Irwin Tools, and MORE!

If you’re going to try and extort money from a big company it’s probably not recommended that you put your address on the demand letter.

Dumbass put own address on letter demanding $12.7 million from Brisbane food manufacturer


September 18th is the 262nd day of this leap year (the year of The Donald?) and is the international World Water Monitoring Day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to: Samuel Johnson (b 1709, d 1784), Greta Garbo (b 1905, d 1990), voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel June Foray (b 1917), actor Jack Warden (b 1920, d 2006), victim of Lee Harvey Oswald JD Tippit (b 1924, d 1963), actor Robert Blake (b 1933), snooker player John Spencer (b 1935, d 2006), singer Frankie Avalon (b 1940), Mo Mowlam (b 1949, d 2005), Peter Shilton (b 1949), Dee Dee Ramone (b 1951, d 2002), author Steven Pinker (b 1954), actor James Gandolfini (b 1961, d 2013), actress Tara Fitzgerald (b 1967), Darren Gough (b 1970), Lance Armstrong (b 1971).

Rest in peace these folks who died on September 18th: awesome mathematician Leonhard Euler (b 1707, d 1783), the wizard in The Wizard of Oz Frank Morgan (b 1890, d 1949), Dag Hammarskjold (b 1905, d 1961), Jimi Hendrix (b 1942, d 1970), author Katherine Anne Porter (b 1890, d 1980).

Some notable events that took place on September 18th: Harald Hardrada lands on the beaches of Scarborough (1066), Christopher Columbus lands on Honduras (1501), George I arrives in Great Britain (1714), the Royal Opera House opens (1809), Tiffany and Co is founded (1837), The Netherlands give women the right to vote (1919), the American network CBS begins broadcasting (1927), Lord Haw-Haw begins broadcasting (1939), the CIA is established (1947), satellite Vanguard 3 is launched (1959), US soap opera The Guiding Light ends after 72 years, wow (2009), Scotland votes against independence (2014).

FUNNIES, ETC

“Do you think Hillary looks presidential? I don’t think so. And I’m not going to say it, because I’m not allowed to say it because I want to be politically correct.”
— Donald Trump

“[Hillary Clinton] could walk into this arena right now and shoot somebody, with 20,000 people watching, right smack in the middle of the heart, and she wouldn’t be prosecuted.”
— Donald Trump

“I don’t know. Was it a birth certificate? You tell me. Some people say that was not his birth certificate. I’m saying I don’t know. Nobody knows.”
— Donald Trump in 2013, two years after President Obama released his long form birth certificate

“I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
— Trump, asked if he thinks Obama was born in the U.S., 2015

“I’ll answer that question at the right time. I just don’t want to answer it yet.”
— Trump, asked this week by the Washington Post if he still believes Obama was not born in the U.S.

“As a businessman and a very substantial donor to very important people, when you give, they do whatever the hell you want them to do.”
— Donald Trump, 2015

“I’ve given to everybody. Because that was my job. I gotta give to them… Because when I want something, I get it. When I call, they kiss my ass.”
— Trump, 2016

“One more example of Hillary Clinton’s catastrophic failures as secretary of state.”
— Donald Trump on North Korea nuke test

“What I would do very simply is say, ‘China, this is your baby. This is your problem. You solve the problem.’ China can solve that problem.”
— Trump on North Korea

“Of course it’s legal. It’s a war. Until the war is over, anything is legal.”
— Rudy Giuliani, lawyer and former U.S. attorney, defending Donald Trump’s assertion that the U.S. should have seized Iraq’s oilfields after the 2003 invasion

Zhang Ming, the general manager of a travel company in Jinan City, in Shandong Province, China, required employees to take turns reading his posts on Sina Weibo over a loudspeaker, and everyone was required to comment on the posts. Weibo is a Twitter-like web site. Most of the comments are an emoji meaning “Like”, but Zhang wasn’t satisfied with the level of comments, and fined more than 200 employees 50 yuan (US$6.50) each. Such fines are illegal in China. Zhang refused to comment to a reporter, but issued a statement that his company’s success was due to “a shared mind and strong execution abilities,” and the employees “needed mentoring” to increase morale. (RC/China Daily)

Jeffrey Osella, 50, and his neighbour have had regular disputes over the last 13 years, says interim Police Chief Shawn Lacey in Westerly, N.H. In the latest incident, the two got into a shouting match, and Osella allegedly responded by using a potato gun to shoot corncobs at his neighbour’s house. The neighbour told officers he had recently put his house up for sale, and he was concerned about Osella damaging the property or hindering a sale. Police went to Osella’s house where, according to the report, he answered the door shirtless — with several corn kernels stuck to his chest. He denied shooting at the neighbour, but allegedly admitting firing “towards” the neighbour’s home. He was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct, and “firing in a compact area.” (MS/Westerly Sun)

Residents in downtown Milan, Italy, heard weird construction-like sounds at night. “We began hearing noises on Sunday evening,” said one resident. “We were jokingly saying to each other, ‘Are they robbing the bank?’” Indeed, the sounds got closer and closer to a neighbourhood bank. “On Monday one of us went to the bank to warn them about the tremors we had felt. Others went to the nearest police station on Tuesday because the sounds had not stopped.” Bank and police officials blew off the warnings — until bank employees arrived to find someone inside, who forced them to open the safe and safety deposit boxes. The robbers escaped through their tunnel before police arrived. (RC/AFP)

Michael O. Murphy, 68, went to a neighbour in Davison Township, Mich., to ask for a favour. “I got to get rid of this,” Murphy told Duane Morrish, because “it’s starting to smell.” He had tried to cut up the body of a man he had shot, but it had proven more difficult than he anticipated, and it was still in his garden shed. Could Morrish help him dump the body in a county park? Morrish figured Murphy was joking, but when he accepted the keys to the garden shed and took a look, he went to the police. Murphy is charged with first-degree murder, and faces life in prison. (RC/Flint Journal)


A thief in Paris made plans to steal some paintings from The Louvre. After careful planning he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However he was captured just two blocks away after his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error of not having gas in his van, he replied.

”Monsieur,that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Now do you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else?

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.


What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Why do accountants make good lovers? They’re great with figures.

What is the definition of “accountant”? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

Why did God invent economists? So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

Why accountants don’t read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

What’s an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.

What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.

What’s the difference between the male sperm and an accountant? The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.


A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: “Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: “Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”


Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand.

Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?”

Accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”


I used to live in South Dakota (I’m not bragging, I’m complaining) and I don’t remember a town called Plenty Bears. I wonder if these goofy US town names are real?

These Are the Most Oddly-Named Towns in Each U.S. State


A woman is in an accident while she’s pregnant. While in a comma she has twins (a boy & a girl). When she woke up she asked the doctor where her baby was.

The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them.

She replied,”My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. Anyway what did he name the girl?”

“Denise”, replied the doctor.

“That’s not so bad. What about the boy”, she finally asked.

“Denephew”


One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, “Please give me the good news first.”

Smiling, God explained, “I’ve created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.”


Looks like it might be a lovely day near York. Yeah!! I wonder if I can get a bit more lawn mowed . . .



http://americanadrift.com/2237-2/

YMUG Newsletter – 2016/09/10

YMUG Newsletter –  2016/09/10


Acting Secretaries:

Tony Crockford: support@ymug.org

Chris Brady: ymug@csjbrady.org.uk

with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.  Thanks also to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest.


Items for the newsletter . . . reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your participatory social mores editor: news@ymug.org


Join mactalk – YMUG’s official email list discussion group.

You’ll get approximately 5 or 6 emails a day and can have ‘instant’ discussions on Mac related issues. And other stuff, we’re flexible. We had a chat about vari-focal lenses this week.

To subscribe (FREE) to the group, send a blank email to: mactalk-join@ymug.org and then confirm membership when you receive an automated reply from the group,

If you have any difficulty, please contact Tony Crockford, he’s very nice. – support@ymug.org


NEXT YMUG MEETING:

Well, the meeting on the 13th went pretty well. Bob has given me a lot of material to go along with his talk and I’ve put it up ‘in the cloud’ (in this case on Google’s servers, linked to a Google mail account I set up for YMUG) including his presentation outline, iMovie, tutorial materials for iDVD and Audacity and lots of other stuff. Chris Brady typed up some notes during the meeting and I’ve included those as well. Have a look:

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/0B1hSzOdPgpzYNWtmRnQ4V1dUdmc?usp=sharing

Let me know if you have any trouble with the link or the material.

Here’s a list of some topics that Steve or I can talk about for our next meeting:

iTunes (its uses and abuses),
Cloud based sync and backup services,
using text expansion (in-built and specialist apps),
Automator.(what it is and isn’t how to build an automation workflow/service/app),
a look at Preview and what you can do with it,
general productivity apps and approaches – to do lists, note taking, etc,
security basics (passwords & password management, touch ID, encryption incl. File Vault, ZIP passwords, document passwords, etc., being safe online, phishing, etc).

Let me know (news@ymug.org) if any of the topics are of particular interest. Or if there’s something else you’d like to learn about.

I figure the next meeting should be ‘up North’ so . . . Bedale okay with everyone? Sometime in December or January? I want to wait until the newest version of OS X/macOS and iOS 10 arrive.


THE BIG APPLE EVENT ON THE 7TH.

To the surprise of no one Apple announced the imminent release of the iPhone 7 and 7 Plus both sans the usual headphone jack. But they are including an adaptor which will only cost £9 if you buy it separately.

http://www.apple.com/uk/pr/library/2016/09/07Apple-Introduces-iPhone-7-iPhone-7-Plus-The-Best-Most-Advanced-iPhone-Ever.html

Here’s a technical comparison of the iPhone 7 with the other available models.

Comparison: Here’s how the iPhone 7 compares to the rest of the iPhone lineup

And here’s a comparison of various UK mobile phone contracts for the iPhone 7.

https://www.engadget.com/2016/09/09/iphone-7-plus-pre-order-guide-uk/

If you get an iPhone 7 then you might also want to consider an Apple Lightning Dock, recommended by Phil Schiller who does work for Apple.

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/08/lightning-dock-iphone-7-charging-with-music/

And Belkin is offering a ‘splitter’ which will let you listen to music (via non-Bluetooth ear buds) and charge your iPhone 7 at the same time.

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/08/belkin-lightning-audio-adapter-iphone-7/

Turns out the audio jack ‘had’ to go not only to give more room but to improve the iPhone 7s water resistance.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/johnpaczkowski/inside-iphone-7-why-apple-killed-the-headphone-jack

What I would like to try but really shouldn’t are the new £159 AirPods. It is my birthday in a couple of weeks . . .

http://www.apple.com/uk/pr/library/2016/09/07Apple-Reinvents-the-Wireless-Headphone-with-AirPods.html

Also there will be a ungraded Apple Watch out soon which you can wear while you’re swimming.

http://www.apple.com/uk/pr/library/2016/09/07Apple-Introduces-Apple-Watch-Series-2-The-Ultimate-Device-For-A-Healthy-Life.html

Sadly, there will be no more solid gold Apple Watches. I guess I’ll have to spend £13,000 on something else now.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/apple-golden-watch-is-no-more-ceramic-watch-edition/

But soon you WILL be able to play Pokemon Go Plus on an Apple Watch. And there was much rejoicing.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gaming/2016/09/pokemon-go-plus-apple-watch/

If you’d like a quick video recap of all the new and wonderful Apple things . . .

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/07/apple-iphone-7-event-recap-video/


OS X AND MAC STUFF

macOS Sierra will be available on September 20th. Here’s a brief list of supported hardware. I’ll post links to reviews after it’s available.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/macos-sierra-release-date-features/

I’ve never been a big fan of Google Chrome, it tends to spawn lots of sub-processes and takes a lot of power and CPU resources. Google is working on that and the latest version is much more economical.

Double-digit speed & battery improvements to Google Chrome 53 see Mac use 33% less power

How to use (the amazing) Preview to resize photos.

http://osxdaily.com/2016/09/05/how-to-resize-photo-mac/

A bit technical but it does show you how to change the default location for screenshots.

https://discussions.apple.com/docs/DOC-9081


iSTUFF

iOS 10 will be released to the public on September 13th. This article contains a list of which iOS devices will support it. It’s going to be a big update so I would recommend you update your devices via iTunes and a lot of cups of tea. I’ll be updating right away and will let you know how it goes.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/ios-10-details-release-date/

WatchOS 3 will also be released on September 13th.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/apple/2016/09/watchos-3-release-date-features/

Oh dear, the new Chinese add campaigns for the iPhone 7 may be a bit naughty.

http://www.cultofmac.com/444941/apples-iphone-7-slogan-china-penis/


WWW = WEIRD, WONDERFUL AND WHY

A lengthy article about the UK’s rural broadband voucher system (£350 for installing a satellite system) and some alternatives. If you get less than 2 megabits per second download speeds then you should read this.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/business/2016/09/uk-rural-broadband-satellite-vouchers/

I thought roaming charges were going to be removed for all of Europe. Turns out they will be for a maximum of 90 days a years. Still, that’s better than it was and enough for a good holiday or two.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2016/09/eu-mobile-roaming-cap-90-days-a-year/

If you’re in Northern Quebec and your Apple product goes kaput call Jamie Fendo-Cumbo. He fixes stuff. A lot of stuff.

This Guy Fixed 60 Apple Devices in 90 Days

Who needs science fiction? Apple might be helping to bring iOS support for augmented reality contact lenses.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/16/09/08/apple-to-meet-with-augmented-reality-contact-lens-firm-epgl-discuss-possible-ios-support

Remember the exploding Galaxy Note 7 phones? They’ve been recalled but some people are holding onto theirs. The Federal Aviation Administration is telling folks to turn them off while on flights.

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/09/09/493241698/tray-tables-stowed-seat-backs-upright-and-galaxy-note-7s-off-please

Ars Technica tells you how to distinguish potentially explosive Note 7s from safe ones.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/gadgets/2016/09/exploding-galaxy-note-7-buyers-guide/

IF you insist on playing Pokemon GO then you’d best avoid playing in Russian churches. My advice: don’t play at all.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2016/09/pokemon-go-church-russian-blogger-sokolovsky-faces-jail-term/

This is odd: “Warner Bros ordered Google to remove several of its own webpages from search results on the grounds they infringed the media giant’s copyright.”

http://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2016/09/warner-bros-flags-own-site-for-piracy-dmca-google/

The general consensus is that we can detect only five different tastes: sweet, sour, etc. But, could it be that starchiness is a sixth flavour?

Starchiness: A Sixth Taste Discovered?

Very clever scientists are working on a fabric that might keep you cooler.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/science/2016/09/nanoporous-polyethylene-fabric-reverse-greenhouse/

Remember how in the original Star Trek (which debuted 50 years ago this last week) the guys in the red shirts always got killed first? Well, you can now buy one of those red shirts which looked like they’ve been blasted.

WANT: Star Trek TOS Dead Red Sublimated T-Shirt

OR you can get a Star Trek themed dress.

Anovos and Gold Bubble Create New Geektastic Line of Star Trek Fashion Dresses

Not only yoga with goats but pictures of yoga with goats.

http://www.laineymorse.com/#!/page/71628/yoga-on-the-farm


September 10th is the 254th day of this leap year and is also National TV Dinner Day in the, where else, USA.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to: Louis IV of France (b 920, d 954), Henry Purcell (b 1659, d 1695), Franz Werfel (b 1890, d 1945), film director Robert Wise (b 1914, d 2005), Beryl Cook (b 1926, d 2008), golfer Arnold Palmer (b 1929), actor Philip Baker Hall (b 1931), baseball player Roger Maris (b 1934, d 1985), author Jared Diamond (b 1937), biologist extraordinaire Stephen Jay Gould (b 1941, d 2002), conductor Christopher Hogwood (b 1941, d 2014), Jose Feliciano (b 1945), guitarist for Aerosmith Joe Perry (b 1950), actress Amy Irving (b 1953), actor Colin Firth (b 1960), director Guy Ritchie (b 1968).

Rest in peace these folks who died on September 10th: Mary Wollstonecraft (b 1759, d 1797), the infamous Huey Long (b 1893, d 1935), author Norah Lofts (b 1904, d 1983), musician Clarence ‘Gatemouth’ Brown (b 1924, d 2005), Anita Roddick (b 1942, d 2007), actress Jane Wyman (b 1917, d 2007), actor Richard Kiel (b 1939, d 2014).

Some notable events that took place on September 10th: The last battle between England and Scotland, the Battle of Pinkie Cleugh (1547), the US beats Britain at the Battle of Lake Erie (1813), Elias Howe is granted a patent for the sewing machine (1846), the submarine HMS Oxley is accidentally sunk by the HMS Triton (1939), German forces begin their occupation of Rome (1943), Gunsmoke premiers on CBS in the US (1955) and runs for 20 seasons, at the Summer Olympics Abebe Bikila becomes the first sub-Saharan African to win an Olympic gold medal winning the marathon in bare feet (1960), Gibraltar votes to remain a British dependency (1967), the US loses a controversial basketball game to the USSR at the summer Olympics (1972), Switzerland joins the United Nations (2002), the Large Hadron Collider is first powered up (2008).

FUNNIES, ETC

“What would you do, if you were elected, about Aleppo?”
— Mike Barnicle to Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson, on “Morning Joe”

“And what is Aleppo?”
— Johnson, in response

“I just don’t think she has a presidential look, and you need a presidential look. You have to get the job done.”
— Donald Trump on Hillary Clinton

“He has the attention span and the knowledge base of a nine year old with ADHD. And I’m not saying that to be funny.”
— “The Art of the Deal” ghostwriter Tony Schwartz on Donald Trump

“In Trump We Trust: E Pluribus Awesome!”
— title of Ann Coulter’s new book

When a police officer went to Richard Shepard of Hartselle, Ala., to tell him his wife had hired an undercover officer to kill him, Shepard agreed to help fake photos of his death to convince his wife, Sarah, 27, that the deed was done. Then, of course, Sarah was arrested and held on $500,000 bail. Richard petitioned for a protection order for himself and his young children, who he considered to be “in extreme danger” due to the charges and Sarah’s history of abuse. Even after her arrest, Sarah was even “more adamant” with friends that she wanted her husband killed. But months later, Richard worked with Sarah’s attorney to get her bail reduced so she could get out of jail. He told Morgan County Circuit Judge Glenn Thompson that there “isn’t any way” Sarah could have plotted to kill him because she can “hardly put together a weekly grocery list.” (RC/WAFF Huntsville, Decatur Daily)

An 80-year-old woman lived on the streets of Washington, D.C., for roughly 16 years. In her bags, she claimed, she had proof that the government owed her upwards of $100,000. She would call Social Security and write letters. She would ask people who work with the homeless to help her get her money, but they would instead refer her for mental health services, she said. In better times, Wanda Witter, 80, had refused to cash checks the agency had sent her for figures she didn’t believe were accurate; once she was homeless and tried to get even wrong checks, the agency had given up on trying to send money to a woman with neither an address nor a bank account. Eventually, however, a social worker took on her case, and helped her get a lawyer. Now she’s gotten her first check for the amount she’s supposed to get — $1,464 — and her lawyer says she should get $99,999 soon, and perhaps more later. (AC/Washington Post)

An unnamed passenger on a WestJet flight decided he didn’t really want to go from Toronto, Ont., to Edmonton, Alta., Canada, and demanded to be let off as he headed for the door. A flight attendant stopped him “a few feet” from the door, and asked other passengers to help restrain him: the aircraft was than three hours into its flight. “We zip-tied him, and they brought him to the back of the plane where they held him for about a half hour or so until we landed,” said Steven Kelly, one of the passengers. Kelly had noticed the man: he had spent the entire time before the incident praying and “calling us ‘non-believers’,” he said, “and if there were any believers on board, to kill him.” (RC/CTV)


The phone rings  and the lady of the house  answers,

“Hello.”

“Mrs.  Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs.  Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes  Laboratory.  When your  husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a  biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as  well…  We are now  uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly,  either way the results are not too  good.”

“What do  you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks  nervously.

“Well,  one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and  the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell  which is which.”

“That’s  dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned  Mrs.Sanders.

“Normally  we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive  tests once.”

“Well,  what am I supposed to do now?”

“The  MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband  off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds  his way home, don’t sleep with him


A blonde lady motorist  was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you  going to San Diego?”       

“Sure,”  answered the  blonde, “do you need a lift?”  

“Not for me.  I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.  My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.  They’re  a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?  I’ll give you $100 for your trouble”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.  So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped  into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the  amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of  brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the  blonde.

“What are you doing  here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”

“Yes, I know you did,”  said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World”.


God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

“What’s a commandment?” they asked.

“Well, it’s like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” replied God.

The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way, that would ruin our weekends.”

So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

They also asked, “What’s a commandment?”

“Well,” said God, “It’s like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.”

The Assyrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.”

So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.

They asked, “How much?”

God said, “They’re free.”

The Jews said, “Great! We’ll take TEN!”


(I’m pretty sure I’ve use a variation of this joke before but it still makes me smile.)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,  ‘We only have one rule here in heaven:  Don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.  It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  St. Peter chains them together and says,  ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’ 

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.  With him is another extremely ugly man.  He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, 

But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on  ….. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.  St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says to the man,  ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says,  ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.


Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn’t even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: “You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news.”

Moses was staggered.

The voice continued: “You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs. You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust. You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh’s army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land.”

Moses was stunned. He stammered, “That’s…. that’s fantastic. I can’t believe it! — But what’s the bad news?”

“You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement.”


Two baseball pitchers promised each other. if one of them died first, he will come back as a ghost to tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

So one of them dies and comes back as a ghost and says, ‘I have some good news and some bad news.’

Then the other person says, ‘Tell me.’

So he says, ‘The good news is there is baseball in heaven, but the bad news is that you are pitching tomorrow.’


Well school started up again so I’m going to be even more boring for a while. A bit of routine is good though. But I am going to miss the long sunny days. You will notice that most of the external news links are to Ars Technica or Mac Rumours. I find their reporting to be quite good and fairly ad free. I really hate directing you to sites that loaded with ads. Also, it helps speed up compiling the news letter if I monitor fewer sites.



YMUG Newsletter – 2016/09/03

YMUG Newsletter –  2016/09/03


Acting Secretaries:

Tony Crockford: support@ymug.org

Chris Brady: ymug@csjbrady.org.uk

with help from: Anzir Boodoo and Tim Pinder.  Thanks also to Ian Thomas, Martin Pickering and Brendan Rowland who send me items of interest.


Items for the newsletter . . . reviews, rants, raves, revelations and reflections to: Jerad Zimmermann, your participatory social mores editor: news@ymug.org


Join mactalk – YMUG’s official email list discussion group.

You’ll get approximately 5 or 6 emails a day and can have ‘instant’ discussions on Mac related issues. And other stuff, we’re flexible. We had a chat about vari-focal lenses this week.

To subscribe (FREE) to the group, send a blank email to: mactalk-join@ymug.org and then confirm membership when you receive an automated reply from the group,

If you have any difficulty, please contact Tony Crockford, he’s very nice. – support@ymug.org


NEXT YMUG MEETING:

Well, the meeting on the 13th went pretty well. Bob has given me a lot of material to go along with his talk and I’ve put it up ‘in the cloud’ (in this case on Google’s servers, linked to a Google mail account I set up for YMUG) including his presentation outline, iMovie, tutorial materials for iDVD and Audacity and lots of other stuff. Chris Brady typed up some notes during the meeting and I’ve included those as well. Have a look:

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/0B1hSzOdPgpzYNWtmRnQ4V1dUdmc?usp=sharing

Let me know if you have any trouble with the link or the material.

Here’s a list of some topics that Steve or I can talk about for our next meeting:

iTunes (its uses and abuses),
Cloud based sync and backup services,
using text expansion (in-built and specialist apps),
Automator.(what it is and isn’t how to build an automation workflow/service/app),
a look at Preview and what you can do with it,
general productivity apps and approaches – to do lists, note taking, etc,
security basics (passwords & password management, touch ID, encryption incl. File Vault, ZIP passwords, document passwords, etc., being safe online, phishing, etc).

Let me know (news@ymug.org) if any of the topics are of particular interest. Or if there’s something else you’d like to learn about.

I figure the next meeting should be ‘up North’ so . . . Bedale okay with everyone? Sometime in December or January? I want to wait until the newest version of OS X/macOS and iOS 10 arrive.


APPLE V EU

You’ve probably already heard about the kerfuffle over Apple’s tax arrangement with Ireland. There are other big American high tech companies that also have ‘deals’ but people do like picking on Apple. One thing I don’t understand is why Apple is liable at all. If anyone broke the EU rules it’s Ireland. Surely, as far as Apple is concerned, they were dealing with a sovereign nation able to set its own tax rules. Here’s some news stories.

Could Apple help destroy the EU?

Apple Might Destroy the EU

Tim Cook says the EU ruling is rubbish.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/16/08/30/tim-cook-responds-to-145b-irish-tax-bill-with-open-letter-says-decision-will-be-reversed

Apple has also published a FAQ list for investors.

Click to access EC_Opinion_Investor_FAQ.pdf

Wall Street isn’t that worried.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/16/08/30/with-231b-in-cash-apples-145b-irish-tax-hit-doesnt-concern-wall-street

Not everyone, including some Apple fans, don’t see things Tim Cook’s way.

http://www.cultofmac.com/443675/why-tim-cooks-open-letter-about-taxes-struggles-to-paint-apple-as-the-underdog/


OS X AND MAC STUFF

OS X 10.11 (El Capitan), 10.10 (Yosemite) and Safari got an import security update this week.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/16/09/01/pegasus-ios-malware-package-also-found-to-impact-os-x-apple-issues-patch

Save for later: all the options for booting up your Mac (things like Target Disc Mode and Safe Mode).

http://tidbits.com/article/16712?rss

No doubt you’ve installed an app or two using some kind of installer you downloaded. Some of them come as .PKG files. There’s a nifty new bit of software called Suspicious Package that helps you figure out what’s actually in a .PKG file and where it’s going to install stuff. Suspicious Package is free.

http://osxdaily.com/2016/08/31/open-kg-files-mac-what-installs-where-suspicious-package/

If you’d like to help Apple develop new features for Safari then you should be using Safari Technology Preview. I do and I haven’t had a bit of problems with it. Besides, you don’t have to get rid of Safari, you can use both!

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/08/31/apple-releases-safari-technology-preview-12/

If you’d like to schedule when some emails are sent you might like Mail Butler. It does some other stuff too.

http://macsparky.com/blog/2016/8/sponsor-mail-butler

How to copy a screenshot directly to the clipboard and some other screenshot tips.

Quick Tip: Copy Mac Screenshots Directly to the Clipboard

Some ways of converting Word documents to PDFs, with and without MS Office.

http://osxdaily.com/2016/08/28/convert-word-doc-to-pdf-mac/

If you’ve got a Windows partition on your Mac (as I do) then being able to work with Windows files could be important. You need something like Paragon NTFS.

http://www.cultofmac.com/443219/work-with-windows-files-on-mac-paragon-ntfs-for-mac/

OpenOffice may be in trouble. It doesn’t have enough people working on updates and security fixes.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/information-technology/2016/09/openoffice-after-years-of-neglect-could-shut-down/


iSTUFF

Warning! Apple is having some kind of iPhone event on the 7th of September. Expect slow-downs on the internet for a few days afterwards.

http://osxdaily.com/2016/08/29/apple-event-set-for-september-7-iphone-7-likely-to-debut/

And what new features many people expect the iPhone 7 to have.

http://www.macrumors.com/roundup/iphone-7/

The potential ’Touch Disease’ that can affect iPhone 6 and 6s’s hasn’t been addressed by Apple yet and iFixit is not going to let them forget the issue.

7 Days of Apple Silence and Touch Disease Isn’t Going Away

Apple is (finally) going to start culling apps from The App Store.

Apple is going to remove abandoned apps from the App Store

I probably already ‘knew’ this but . . . how to teach Maps and Siri where your home is.

http://www.appleworld.today/blog/2016/9/1/how-to-teach-maps-and-siri-where-your-home-address-is

Alto Mail is another alternative to Mail for your iOS device.

Alto Mail Review: The Ultimate iPhone Email Client

I use a tempered glass screen protector on my iPhone 6 which I got from eBay for about £1. If you’d like something even more robust then check out Zagg’s InvisibleShield Sapphire Defense.

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/09/01/zagg-sapphire-defense-screen-protector/

Oh wow, there IS a point to having an Apple Watch: you can use it as a remote for Apple TV.

Your Watch is Your TV Remote with Apple Remote App


WWW = WEIRD, WONDERFUL AND WHY

Since the 1st you are supposed to have a TV license to use the BBC’s iPlayer service. But, can the BBC enforce the new rule?

http://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2016/09/bbc-iplayer-viewers-will-need-a-tv-licence-to-watch-programmes-online/

Samsung is recalling all its Galaxy Note 7 phones that were just introduced a couple of weeks ago. I have seen some pretty horrendous pictures of ones that have partially melted.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-37253742

Jessica Alba is very pretty, some think she can act. Despite the fact that she hasn’t shown any talent for software development she is going to be one of the mentors on Apple’s Planet of the Apps programme.

http://appleinsider.com/articles/16/08/30/jessica-alba-joins-slew-of-executive-producers-for-planet-of-the-apps

Who were the ten worst Britons in history?

http://www.historyextra.com/article/feature/10-worst-britons-history

Robberies, assaults, thefts, driving incidents . . . sounds like a Friday night in Leeds but it’s also the kinds of things that happen when people play Pokemon GO.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-37183161

America, home of the brave and, in some states, illegal selfies in the voting booth.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2016/08/selfies-in-voting-booths-depending-on-where-you-live-they-may-be-illegal/

America, also the home of fish pet-sitting services who sue fish owners who leave them 1-star Yelp reviews.

http://arstechnica.co.uk/tech-policy/2016/09/judge-tosses-lawsuit-over-1-star-review-for-overfeeding-pet-fish/

Despite what Tim likes, some of us are starting to think about Christmas presents. Here’s a backpack that has a network of charging cables and pockets for various devices. You have to buy the charging battery separately.

MOS Pack Backpack Charges Multiple Devices with One Plug

Here’s another good idea for a present: a lost-and-found tracking device the size of a fat credit card.

http://www.macrumors.com/2016/08/31/time-slim-bluetooth-tracker/

How about a gold-plated Sony Walkman?

https://www.engadget.com/2016/09/02/sony-NW-WM1Z-walkman/

A wooden child’s rocker that looks like the original starship Enterprise?

WANT: Wooden Star Trek USS Enterprise Rocker


September 3rd is the 247th day of this leap year and is also Merchant Navy Day in the UK so hug a sailor if you can.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to: actor Alan Ladd (b 1913, d 1964 . . . He was young), novelist Alison Lurie (b 1926), Irene Papas (b 1926), American gangster Whitey Bulger (b 1929 . . . Wow, he’s still alive!), Sex Pistol Steve Jones (b 1955), Charlie Sheen (b 1965).

Rest in peace these folks who died on September 3rd: Oliver Cromwell (b 1599, d 1658), e e cummings (b 1894, d 1962), Vince Lombardi (b 1913, d 1970), Beryl Markham (b 1902, d 1986), Frank Capra (b 1897, d 1991), Jane Tomlinson (b 1964, d 2007), Sun Myung Moon (b 1920, d 2012),

Some notable events that took place on September 3rd: Richard I is crowned (1189), Richard Cromwell becomes Lord Protector of England (1658), the Royal Exchange burns down during the Great Fire of London (1666), the US and the Kingdom of Great Britain sign the Treaty of Paris ending the American War of Revolution (1783), Frederick Douglass escapes from slavery (1838), over 640 people die when the boats Princess Alice and Bywell Castle collide in the Thames (1878), France, the UK, Australia and New Zealand declare war on Germany (1939), the Allied invasion of Italy begins (1943), Anne Frank and her family are put on the train to Auschwitz (1944), Nino Farina becomes the first Formula One Drivers’ champion (1950), Swedish drivers switch from driving on the left to driving on the right overnight (1967).

FUNNIES, ETC

“Here’s something that’s contrary to popular belief: I actually don’t like thinking. I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don’t. I do not like to think at all.”
— Kanye West

“She’s totally bigoted. There’s no question about that.”
— Donald Trump on Hillary Clinton

“He hasn’t changed his immigration position. He has changed the words he is saying.”
— Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson

“We did discuss the wall, we didn’t discuss payment of the wall. That will be at a later date.”
— Donald Trump on his meeting with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto

“At the beginning of the conversation with Donald Trump I made it clear that Mexico will not pay for the wall…I was clear and emphatic that Mexico will not pay for the wall.”
— Pena Nieto, responding to Trump’s account of their meeting

“If you’re running for president, you should not be allowed to use a teleprompter.”
— Donald Trump, August 2015

A man identified only by his surname “Li” was flying from Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport in China to Beijing. He had a little trouble when security screeners x-rayed a sack he picked up from Burger King. “There’s no turtle in there, just a hamburger,” Li told screeners. “There’s nothing special to see inside.” Naturally, they then wanted to see inside. Li had, they say, put his “beloved” pet turtle in the bun to smuggle it onto the flight with him. Li wasn’t charged with a crime, but wasn’t allowed to take the turtle on the plane, either; a friend agreed to take care of it. (RC/London Telegraph)

According to the Volusia County (Fla.) Sheriff’s Office, Regina Powell, 22, was “foolishly playing” with her uncle’s .40-caliber pistol in the garage while recording a video of herself using Snapchat. Powell had her finger on the trigger and it went off, shooting the cell phone she was using to record the video. The phone shattered, causing lacerations on her right thumb and index finger. Her aunt heard the gunshot and took Powell to the hospital. The aunt told deputies that she threw the gun out of the car as they drove. The gun has not been found. (MS/WKMG Orlando)


(Another one of those stories you hope is true but probably isn’t.)

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’

Citibank: ‘ The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe you should turn it over to collections.’

Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’

Citibank:’Excuse me?’

Family Member:’Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?’

Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

(Supervisor gets on the phone:)

Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’

Citibank: ‘ The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’

Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’

Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank:’Could you fax us a certificate of death?’

Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given)

(After they get the fax:)

Citibank:’Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’

Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’

Citibank:’Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’

Citibank: ‘That might help….’

Family Member: ‘ Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’

Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’

Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’


I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!

Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Why do you drive down a parkway but park in a driveway?

I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

Why is everything delivered by a ship called cargo but if it’s delivered by a car it’s a shipment?

I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later. ”

When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot……that way people will visit more often.

Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don’t have to heat hot water?

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said, “Call for backup.”


(I wasn’t able to verify this but it’s delightful anyway.)

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan ‘s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was “My Favorite Things”
from the legendary movie “Sound Of Music”. Here are the lyrics she used:
 
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac’s and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.


At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

‘In fact’, he pointed out, ‘some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society’.

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about?’

‘Why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?’, asked the couple.

‘Because I’m the bloke who painted the picture,’ he replied. ‘In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Welsh coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.’


A husband and wife were in bed watching tv. The husband had the remote in hand switching back and forth between the porn and fishing channels. The wife got angry, grabbed the remote and kept it on the porn channel and said to hubby.. “Leave it on the porn channel you already know how to fish.”


A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Ryan”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Ryan Jay Robinson. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I’m married to his widow.”


I guess summer is over. Sigh. Welcome to Yorkshire.